way funnier than mine
This post originally appeared in January 2014.
Such dreary news lately, what with all the usual global warming and depressed economies and fighting and bombing and killing. The capper sent icy fingers clutching my heart:
There is a Velveeta shortage.
For you gourmands and food snobs out there, Velveeta is a cheese (like) product made by Kraft. Imagine a larger, softer, oranger stick of butter sold in the regular aisles (not dairy) of your local grocery. It is a popular ingredient in macaroni and cheese and cheese dips because it melts and blends so well. Apparently Kraft transitioned Velveeta-making to a new production facility recently, causing some production delays.
Sweet Mother of Pearl.
I understand this is mostly an East Coast problem. I will be checking my local grocer today, guaranteed. I haven't bought any Velveeta in ages, but just the thought of a shortage makes me want to dash to the store and arm-wrestle a grandma for the last box.
I haven't bought Velveeta in a while because let's just say it rarely makes any of those listicles featuring the healthy foods you should be eating. I was surprised to discover it actually does have some real cheese in it (cheddar, Monterrey Jack, and Swiss). Kraft has been making Velveeta for ages, but it really took off when they started promoting its use in mac n cheese. If you have ever made homemade mac n cheese, you know why. Making it with real cheese is problematic. Getting actual, real shredded cheddar cheese to melt and mix properly with the milk can be tricky, especially if you are a 'panster' like I am in the kitchen. I rarely have all the ingredients I need for any given dish and try to wing it. Last time I did this with mac n cheese, the cheese just wouldn't blend properly. My mac n cheese tasted okay, but looked more like mac n brain splatter. Yum!
I do have fond memories of Velveeta from childhood. My mom is the oldest of six. When I was a kid we had many family gatherings. Most featured my Aunt Billie's infamous cheese dip. It had two simple ingredients: Rotel tomatoes and Velveeta. She had a big brass fondue pot, the kind that requires a can of Sterno underneath to keep the contents warm. Cultivating a taste for that cheese dip was a sign of maturity. It may be my imagination (or my petrified middle-aged taste buds), but I swear the Rotel was hotter back then. A little of that cheesy goodness dipped with a tortilla chip could burn all the way down from tongue to tummy. If you could handle the heat, you were on your way to becoming an adult.
I love it, but I just can't eat Velveeta on a regular basis. They say it has real cheese in it, but when you open up that cardboard container and pry apart the foil liner to reveal what they lovingly call the 'loaf', 'real cheese' is not a phrase that comes to mind. I fear if I go back to the V, I will feel some pressure to consume even more unnaturally orange foods. What's next - a big plastic barrel of cheese balls in the pantry? Completely giving up and just standing over the sink squirting a can of Cheese Wiz into my mouth? Troubling as it is, maybe this shortage is for the best.
Note: I did come up with the title on my own; validated when I discovered NPR had the same idea. Two minds, but with a single thought!
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