Someone Else’s Bucket

Once again Ricky Gervais displays his comedic genius. The star and creator of the original British version of The Office has a show called An Idiot Abroad on, of all places, the Science Channel.

When I saw the promo for the show, I did a Shoulda Had A V8. What a brilliant concept: Mr. Gervais has an fellow by the name of Karl Pilkington forcibly fulfilling a loooooong list of OTHER PEOPLE's life goals, the proverbial 'bucket list' of things they want to try or do or accomplish before they 'kick the bucket' (die). The comedy aspect comes in when the chosen task is something not exactly up Mr. Pilkington's alley.

Naturally this got me thinking: is there anything on my personal bucket list that others would find distasteful? Surely not. My list is dominated by travel destinations. Nothing unusual about that, unless you hate to travel. Or hate beautiful destinations featuring warm weather and sandy beaches.

What about other peoples' lists - what might they want to do that I consider more appropriate for the 1000 Ways To Die show? Like most people, I assume most people think the way I think, like the stuff I like. And like most people, of course I am dead wrong. I know this because I Googled 'bucket list' and found some pretty crazy sh**.

To wit:

The standard-issue crazy daredevil stuff people put on their bucket lists to avoid looking dull, of course never intending to actually follow through:

• Bungee jumping
• Dive with sharks
• Skydive
• Cliff dive
• Platform dive off highest diving board there is head first into a swimming pool

Do you see a pattern here? Safe bet you will not find anything that says 'dive' or 'jump' on my bucket list.

Ummm, about that last one . . . Keep in mind these are actual items I found while Googling. Assume this person meant a full swimming pool? Otherwise, guessing they will arrive at the diving board via Crazy Train. Better save that one for last.

That's the run-of-the-mill lists. Moving on:

The Why??? Category
(Note to reader: remember, this is actual stuff turning up in my Google search results. You cannot make this stuff up.)

• superglue a coin to the pavement and watch someone try to pick it up - maybe this one should be in the Clearly A Teenager category
• be in the Polar Bear Club - two problems with this one: 1) cold water, and 2) the only people I have ever seen doing this are shriveled up old men
• sing the Star Spangled Banner before a game - this is not on my list but if I add it, I will be sure to specify that I will sing it WELL
• catch my own game kill and eat it - ugh check NO unless we are talking Risk or Monopoly
• photograph lightning again - it's the 'again' that concerns me here - if you have already done it, shouldn't you mark it OFF your bucket list? and aren't you out of chances if you have already survived this once?
• bare all on a nude beach - why is it the people who want to bare all are always the people that really, really shouldn't? and why do I have a sneaking suspicion they are also in the Polar Bear Club?
• survive an accident I shouldn't - I think I get what they are saying - that they want a lucky escape from something awful, but I can think of so many ways this can go wrong, like when you ask those tricky bottle genies for wishes and they always find a way to make you regret it
• swim in the Amazon River - not sure which would be worse: the piranhas or those tiny crazy fish that get all up in your tiny orifices. In any case, you guessed it: check NO.
• bathe in the Ganges - not after hearing this on NPR
• spend 24 hours alone in the jungle - one word: ANACONDA
• go gator hunting with Swamp People - okay I get wanting to hang with the Swamp People, but have you seen an alligator up close? Like, right-next-to-you-in-the-water close? Many, many long, pointy teeth.

and, finally,

The WTF Category
Note to reader: see above Note To Reader

• explore an insane asylum - maybe if it was empty? and was converted from a beautiful multi-million dollar mansion?
• party with porn stars - envisioning cheap ugly stripper heels, slippery dance poles, avoidance of all eye contact, lots of plastic upholstery and silicone. Makes me a little sad and a little ill.
• riot tourism - apparently this is for real - you can Google places where a riot may occur and try to get in on the action. Hm. Remember, the police also have Google.
• extreme ironing - OMG still LMAO - if there is a hell, it consists of cold weather, light beer, and extreme ironing. And yes, that is an ironing board in the picture above.
• Dig up the Godfather of Soul's coffin and use him as a puppet in my YouTube version of Say It Loud (I swear I am not making this up)

After all that Googling, I fear my bucket list is a little predictable, a little provincial. I did find a couple of items that did appeal to me and make me look like less of a granny. They do not require jumping, diving, or grave robbing. Whether I ever actually do them remains to be seen.

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