Technology is a beautiful thing. Some of the all-time great inventions that we cannot live without: cell phone, Internet, microwave, corkscrew. But what about some of the little things that just smooth things out as we go along? One in particular I am thinking of is so clever, the great glass-screened opiate of the masses. This would be the placement of televisions in all sorts of places to take your mind off the fact that you are waiting, waiting, waiting, interminably and sometimes uncomfortably. Airports are one. Waiting rooms are another. But my personal fave is the baby TVs perched on the equipment next to the dentist chair.
In the days before Chair TV, you would either wait in the eponymous waiting room or sit in the dentist chair all alone. Neither one of these is optimal especially considering none of us is happy to be anywhere near the dentist office, much less near where you get drilled in the mouth (chair) or in the wallet (waiting room). In the waiting room, they can't take the chance that a bunch of us would band together and either revolt or leave after having to wait too long. In the chair by yourself, the chances are good that you will start pondering your future fate and decide to high-tail it out of there. With Chair TV, both of these risks are eliminated. If the office is big enough, they can shuttle you right in to the chair and let you cool your heels in isolation. They get you out of the waiting room so you think you might actually be seen on time. You are away from the influences of other riff-raff. And the calming drone of the TV takes your mind off of any unpleasantness that may be coming your way.
At my previous dentist office this usually worked great because, to their credit, I rarely had to wait long, and their Chair TV was easy to change the channel. At my new dentist yesterday, sad to say neither of these things were true. It took me 35 minutes to make it past the waiting room and into solitary. Which wasn't too bad because there was a guilty pleasure on the waiting room TV - the dapper-as-always Anderson Cooper featuring a bunch of prostitutes arguing about how they were providing a much needed service, and a bunch of divorcees who begged to differ. It was juicy. All was going well until I got bumped to solitary with my own Chair TV. Unfortunately it was tuned to a politically themed snooze fest. I tried to change the channel but they were too clever for me - they hide the remote better than the day care staff at La Petite.
So I did what I usually do when trapped in an unpleasant situation - I went to my Happy Place and tried to tune it out. This worked fine until the dentist and his assistant showed up and said, "Open wide". As if this was not unpleasant enough, the assistant perked up when the subject of health care cycled through the news hour. And . . . we're off!
Before I know it, the dentist and the assistant are arguing the health care debate like they are auditioning for Ann Curry's old job, all this while I have about $8,000 of dental equipment and three fingers crammed into my mouth. It was Misinformed Neo-Con vs. Patronizing Know-It-All. We went from unpleasant to annoying in 10 seconds flat. Just ask me how much I wanted to bite down. Hard. But who to bite? I couldn't see which of them had the sharpest instruments in hand.
Next time I go to the dentist I will be better prepared.
1) I will not sit in the chair until someone shows me how to change the channel on Chair TV.
2) I will prepare a list of preferred discussion topics for any staff who may be hovering 4-12 inches above my head as follows.
- Your children's recent cute activities
- Your pet's recent cute activities
- Any professional or college sport (NASCAR excepted)
- Any recent topic featured on Anderson, Maury, Springer, or any other guilty pleasure talk show
Absolutely banned (with legal protection order if necessary) from coming within ten yards of me are any personnel who
- Feel compelled to discuss politics
- Feel compelled to discuss religion
- Had garlic for lunch
Walking out of that refrigerated torture chamber was the happiest 30 seconds of my day. Man, was I glad to get out of there. You know how people are always saying they'd rather have a root canal? I actually think that applies here. I will take fillin' and drillin' over arguing politics every time.
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