Crutches Are/Are Not Your Friend

I went 60+ years without breaking a bone. But in one brief moment of inattention, both the streak and my right ankle went to pieces. I was on crutches for a couple of months after surgery and hobbled around in a boot for a few more weeks after that. So I had plenty of time sitting around to contemplate this unexpected turn of events. Plenty. Of. Time. It was definitely a learning experience; to wit:

• Crutches aka Death Sticks are the devil's handiwork.
• Crutches and bifocals are a match made in hell.
• Crutches and stairs? Fugghedaboutit.
• When on crutches due to injury, prepare a fun fictional answer for how the injury happened - especially important if the truth is boring, or makes you look like a fool. You will get asked again and again by well-meaning strangers. Skydiving and skateboarding come to mind. Level of risk should be proportional to your age (the higher your age, the higher the purported risk).
• Crutches will give you a new and profound appreciation for handicap parking spots, accessibility ramps, and grab bars.
• You will also get a newfound appreciation for good quality public facility design. For example: why are some handicap accessible stalls all the way at the end of the row, furthest from the entry?
• Oh, and thanks for heavy doors with pull handles on public restrooms - NOT.
• However, I must say crutches come in handy for pushing bathroom doors closed.

• Your quad in your healthy leg will get a workout. All those squats at the gym finally pay off. Also I think whomever invented yoga was probably on crutches before doing so.
• Baby wipes are your friend. Bath tubs/showers are not. 'Nuff said.
• Doesn't matter where you stash your crutches. When they start to fall over (and they will), they will fall in such a way to cause maximum havoc.
• When well-meaning friends and family offer to help stash your crutches away, they will always be stashed out of your reach.
• Well-meaning friends/family will try to 'help' you by holding onto your body or clothing for 'support'. Don't Let Them.
• If you're on crutches, chances are pretty good you might also have a cast somewhere. Casts are your friend. Having your injury immobilized while it heals is a good thing.
• While we're on the topic of casts: casts are now high tech, fast, non-messy, and come in fun colors like Cowboys blue, Barbie pink, GI Joe camo, unicorn rainbow vomit, etc. - go for it! Life's too short for a plain white cast.
• One more about casts, then I promise I'll stop: having the plaster cast sawed off can def get the heart rate up. They swear the saw they use to do this will stop running before it cuts into your flesh . . .
• The warning label on the prescription painkillers is more terrifying than your injury.
• If your hair is longer than a couple of inches, either get a haircut or wear a ponytail or find a favorite hat. Hair falling into your eyes while you're on crutches is not your friend.
• West Texas is no place for crutches unless you gain 20+ pounds for ballast.

• Wear clothing with pockets. If no pockets are available, your bra/manssiere is a handy substitute. If you don't have pockets, you can toss a bag with a strap cross body, or tuck items into your waistband like a kangaroo. Do what you gotta do to keep your hands free because crutches. I confess I did use my neck and my teeth to hold stuff a couple of times. This is Not Recommended. One of the nurses recommended I try a backpack, the kind that comes with a belt to secure it around your waist and keep it stable back there. This is a good idea in theory, especially for folks who have to return to work or school while still on crutches. However, in practice, it is a PIA to get to the stuff in the backpack if you are on crutches.
• Do not use pockets. Pockets are hazardous. They only really work well for small, light weight items like one tissue or a sticky note. Or if you're an actual kangaroo. If you overload side pockets, it throws off your balance. This is the same balance you have just worked for days if not weeks to get used to on crutches without factoring in the effect of improperly balanced loads in your pockets. And of course there is that tendency to overload the pockets so that you make fewer trips. This is a trap. Full side pockets interfere with the swing of the crutches. Just Say No. Also note the kangaroo pouch idea only works best with very tight fitting garments. Otherwise, with all the swinging and swaying motion of the crutches, the item could easily fall through your 'pouch' and trip you, or break, or both.
• Worst chore on crutches so far: maybe not what you might think (bathroom trips). Bathroom trips are pretty heinous, but I'm gonna go ahead and go with making the bed. All that bending/stretching/ tugging is exhausting. Now you might ask, why on earth am I insisting on making the bed when I'm on crutches? I have no good answer. I'm not right in the head.
• Stepping on the scales was a pleasant surprise after I got my cast off. Seeing my pitiful little chicken leg after getting the cast off was not. Losing weight is totally not worth losing muscle mass.
• If your injury is on your lower leg like mine was (ankle), getting a 'Barbie foot' is a thing and to be avoided if at all possible. A properly fitted cast and professional physical therapy techniques can help you avoid this.
• I really don't want to jinx you, but if you are on crutches, you will probably need to learn how to perform a controlled fall. Especially if you have young children, pets, or Legos in your living space.
• Startles are bad for balance. Your practical joker neighbor is not your friend.

You might be wondering why there are no photos of me on crutches in this post. That's because I let it be known there was a fate worse than death in store for anyone who took unapproved photos of me during my recuperation. Death Sticks photos were not on the Approved list.

I still have the Death Sticks in the garage. Being on crutches for two months is not something I want to repeat. Ever. I should probably donate them, but I'm afraid as soon as I do, I'll need them again. I got the crutches because I wasn't watching where I was going. I'd like to say I learned my lesson, but I tripped over something yesterday, so, maybe not. I guess they better stay put.

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