Skip to content

Category: Fitness

10

Published on 10 Comments on Crutches Are/Are Not Your Friend

I went 60+ years without breaking a bone. But in one brief moment of inattention, both the streak and my right ankle went to pieces. I was on crutches for a couple of months after surgery and hobbled around in a boot for a few more weeks after that. So I had plenty of time sitting around to contemplate this unexpected turn of events. Plenty. Of. Time. It was definitely a learning experience; to wit:

Don't let that smile fool ya
  • Crutches aka Death Sticks are the devil's handiwork.
  • Crutches and bifocals are a match made in hell.
  • Crutches and stairs? Fugghedaboutit.
  • When on crutches due to injury, prepare a fun fictional answer for how the injury happened - especially important if the truth is boring, or makes you look like a fool. You will get asked again and again by well-meaning strangers. Skydiving and skateboarding come to mind. Level of risk should be proportional to your age (the higher your age, the higher the purported risk).
  • Crutches will give you a new and profound appreciation for handicap parking spots, accessibility ramps, and grab bars.
  • You will also get a newfound appreciation for good quality public facility design. For example: why are some handicap accessible stalls all the way at the end of the row, furthest from the entry?
  • Oh, and thanks for heavy doors with pull handles on public restrooms - NOT.
  • However, I must say crutches come in handy for pushing bathroom doors closed.
Had to go with the Cowboys Blue
  • Your quad in your healthy leg will get a workout. All those squats at the gym finally pay off. Also I think whomever invented yoga was probably on crutches before doing so.
  • Baby wipes are your friend. Bath tubs/showers are not. 'Nuff said.
  • Doesn't matter where you stash your crutches. When they start to fall over (and they will), they will fall in such a way to cause maximum havoc.
  • When well-meaning friends and family offer to help stash your crutches away, they will always be stashed out of your reach.
  • Well-meaning friends/family will try to 'help' you by holding onto your body or clothing for 'support'. Don't Let Them.
  • If you're on crutches, chances are pretty good you might also have a cast somewhere. Casts are your friend. Having your injury immobilized while it heals is a good thing.
  • While we're on the topic of casts: casts are now high tech, fast, non-messy, and come in fun colors like Cowboys blue, Barbie pink, GI Joe camo, unicorn rainbow vomit, etc. - go for it! Life's too short for a plain white cast.
  • One more about casts, then I promise I'll stop: having the plaster cast sawed off can def get the heart rate up. They swear the saw they use to do this will stop running before it cuts into your flesh . . .
  • The warning label on the prescription painkillers is more terrifying than your injury.
  • If your hair is longer than a couple of inches, either get a haircut or wear a ponytail or find a favorite hat. Hair falling into your eyes while you're on crutches is not your friend.
  • West Texas is no place for crutches unless you gain 20+ pounds for ballast.
Titanium is your friend for sure
  • Wear clothing with pockets. If no pockets are available, your bra/manssiere is a handy substitute. If you don't have pockets, you can toss a bag with a strap cross body, or tuck items into your waistband like a kangaroo. Do what you gotta do to keep your hands free because crutches. I confess I did use my neck and my teeth to hold stuff a couple of times. This is Not Recommended. One of the nurses recommended I try a backpack, the kind that comes with a belt to secure it around your waist and keep it stable back there. This is a good idea in theory, especially for folks who have to return to work or school while still on crutches. However, in practice, it is a PIA to get to the stuff in the backpack if you are on crutches.
  • Do not use pockets. Pockets are hazardous. They only really work well for small, light weight items like one tissue or a sticky note. Or if you're an actual kangaroo. If you overload side pockets, it throws off your balance. This is the same balance you have just worked for days if not weeks to get used to on crutches without factoring in the effect of improperly balanced loads in your pockets. And of course there is that tendency to overload the pockets so that you make fewer trips. This is a trap. Full side pockets interfere with the swing of the crutches. Just Say No. Also note the kangaroo pouch idea only works best with very tight fitting garments. Otherwise, with all the swinging and swaying motion of the crutches, the item could easily fall through your 'pouch' and trip you, or break, or both.
  • Worst chore on crutches so far: maybe not what you might think (bathroom trips). Bathroom trips are pretty heinous, but I'm gonna go ahead and go with making the bed. All that bending/stretching/ tugging is exhausting. Now you might ask, why on earth am I insisting on making the bed when I'm on crutches? I have no good answer. I'm not right in the head.
  • Stepping on the scales was a pleasant surprise after I got my cast off. Seeing my pitiful little chicken leg after getting the cast off was not. Losing weight is totally not worth losing muscle mass.
  • If your injury is on your lower leg like mine was (ankle), getting a 'Barbie foot' is a thing and to be avoided if at all possible. A properly fitted cast and professional physical therapy techniques can help you avoid this.
  • I really don't want to jinx you, but if you are on crutches, you will probably need to learn how to perform a controlled fall. Especially if you have young children, pets, or Legos in your living space.
  • Startles are bad for balance. Your practical joker neighbor is not your friend.

You might be wondering why there are no photos of me on crutches in this post. That's because I let it be known there was a fate worse than death in store for anyone who took unapproved photos of me during my recuperation. Death Sticks photos were not on the Approved list.

I still have the Death Sticks in the garage. Being on crutches for two months is not something I want to repeat. Ever. I should probably donate them, but I'm afraid as soon as I do, I'll need them again. I got the crutches because I wasn't watching where I was going. I'd like to say I learned my lesson, but I tripped over something yesterday, so, maybe not. I guess they better stay put.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, I hope you'll take a minute to subscribe to my blog (the subscribe box is near the top of the right sidebar).

2

Published on 2 Comments on 9 Simple Rules For Showing Some Skin

I need to get something off my chest. 
Unlike the -ahem- gentleman in the
 picture, it is not my shirt. 

It's summertime in the South again, and of course that means it's toasty outside. I am not complaining. In the immortal words of Xander Cage, I Live For This S***.

I grew up in Texas long before every enclosed space was air-conditioned. They say living in a warm climate thins the blood, somehow making us able to tolerate the heat more easily. I don't know if this is true. I hate to think we are that closely related to reptiles. I have been known to bask near a sunny window on a cold winter day, eyes closed, upturned face tracking that glorious orb's path across the sky to receive its comforting warmth, so maybe there is something to that.  But I digress.

As I was saying, I love hot weather like a vegan loves to talk about being vegan. After spending 8 years living in Minnesota, I truly cherish being comfortable in shorts and flip flops March through October. Where clothing is concerned, less is more down here. Even so, we can't get too carried away with that credo. No matter how hot it is, if you spend most of your walking time upright and your knuckles do not drag the ground, you have a responsibility to your fellow humans to a maintain at least an illusion of civility. Gentlemen, we do this by wearing a shirt. 

Now, I know different cultures have different expectations when it comes to attire. Even within our own culture, men and women have different commonly accepted guidelines. The women get the skirts; the men get the ties. Women: bras; men: jocks. Men often go 'skins' (shirtless) to exercise, swim, tan, etc.; women usually stay a little covered up top. Totally fine with that in theory. But in practice, when it devolves into potbellied, swaybacked middle-aged men demonstrating their ability to grow hair everywhere but on top of their head while I am trying to enjoy a meal, this whole shirtless thing has to stop (or at least slow the roll). So I have some handy guidelines here if you are unclear whether you should be strutting around in public without your shirt.

You should probably keep your shirt on if:

1. You are more than 10 pounds overweight.*

2. You are over age 30.*

3. You are not on an Olympic men's swimming, diving, or water polo team.

4. You were not selected as a backup dancer or stunt double in the film Magic Mike.

5. You are in a social situation in which crumbs, ketchup, mustard, or other food debris may easily find their way onto your chest/back hair.

6. You are in a social situation in which your chest/back hair may find its way onto neighboring plates/beverages.

7. You have been asked to volunteer at the local barber school so that students may practice their clipper techniques by carving designs into your chest/back hair.

8. Your armpit hair is long enough to be braided.

9. Nursing infants reach out for your pectoral area and make smacking noises . 

*Exceptions to these first two will be granted on a case-by-case basis if you have been named Sexiest Man Alive within the last 5 years. Close-up visual inspection may be required.

Just so we're clear: this is not like needing a majority to get a bill passed in Congress. If any ONE of these nine is violated, the shirt must stay on.

And for that minority of gents who do qualify to go skins (ref Xander Cage link above), I think I can speak for all of us who are filled with gratitude when we see 'shirtless' done properly. Thank you for setting a fine example. A mighty fine example.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, I hope you'll take a minute to subscribe to my blog (the subscribe box is near the top of the right sidebar).

2

Published on 2 Comments on Zippity Zoo Dah

This post was originally published in 2014.

We have a pretty cool zoo in our town. They recently added a zip line course. So when my daughter and her husband visited, we decided to check it out.

If you are not familiar with a zip line, let me lay it out for you. Think of it as a mash-up of a clothes line and Tarzan's swinging vine network (if you don't know what a clothes line is, you are too young to be reading this blog). Or maybe envision a gondola ride with only one passenger (you) and no gondola car, just you sliding down the gondola cable at about 40 mph via fancy harness and cable hook.

Zip lines have been around for ages as a quick and easy way to transport goods and people across obstacles such as ravines and rivers that would not be easily passable otherwise. Zip lines as recreation emerged in the 1990s as lines originally used by scientists in the Costa Rican rain forest evolved into lucrative tourist attractions. The first zip line in the U.S. opened in Hawaii in 2002. The idea really took off 😉 Presently there are hundreds of zip line courses around the world.

We had a great time on the zip lines. If you are considering trying it, here are a few handy tips:

The Bridge Of Doom

Find out what is involved. I vaguely knew what a zip line was. I assumed it would be fairly tame. You know what they say about people who assume.

Evaluate your priorities. I was torn about whether to take my most prized possession on the zip with me. I am talking about my phone, of course. I ended up taking it, but there were some moments during the zip where I was more terrified about what might happen to my phone than anything that might happen to me since it is at a zoo; unlike, say, at a combination bungee-jumping/parachuting/cave diving facility.

I did not plan on having to climb a rope ladder to get up to the first platform. I did not anticipate navigating a rickety bridge between zip landing stations. And I certainly was not prepared for the worst horror of all, being weighed before being allowed to participate (there is a weight limit). This was in public, people. In broad daylight. Fully clothed - including shoes! They sure don't put that in the brochure. Otherwise no woman would ever do it, guaranteed.

Dress accordingly. Don't wear anything that you would miss if you lost it. Don't wear anything that might cut off circulation once you are strapped into your harness. Don't wear anything you might ruin by soiling yourself when you realize you have to walk across thirty yards of rope bridge, fifty feet off the ground.

Choose your fellow zippers wisely. Our guide said she had seen zip liners as young as 6 and as old as 80. After we zipped and were wandering around enjoying the zoo, everyone I passed, I imagined up on the zip line with me. Believe me, there were many I was thankful had chosen not to zip that day. Not sure which would be worse, the precocious 9-year-old twins who love fidgeting with the carabiners; or the white-haired thrillseekers from the local assisted living facility.

The ideal fellow zip liner: folks like my daughter and her husband. Young, healthy, fit adults weighing well under 200 lbs each, with an expert working knowledge of camera phones.  This last came in handy when I was trying to video my husband zipping toward me, but on account of my very short leash, my attempts to literally hug the tree I was leashed to 50 feet off the ground, and my hands shaking from adrenaline rush, I pushed who knows what button on my phone and all kinds of craziness ensued on the screen. Thanks again to my son-in-law, who pushed a couple buttons and got the thing back under control.

Bottom line, two thumbs up for enjoying reputable zip lines in your area. The views, exhilaration, and camaraderie were almost worth the agony of being weighed in public. Almost.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, I hope you'll take a minute and subscribe to my email list.