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Published on Leave a comment on Swiss Miss

This post originally appeared in August 2013.

I bet even Omnipotent, Omnipresent Oprah didn't see this coming. One of the world's wealthiest humans, while in Switzerland attending the wedding of her friend Tina Turner (yes, that Tina Turner), was given the brush-off by a boutique clerk in Zurich. Ohhhhhh so many angles to this story - where to begin??

Don Francisco, host of SabadoGigante, one of the most popular shows on Univision. Net worth = many, many millions.
  • Americans everywhere read about this and said, Oh No You Didn't! Kind of shocking to realize there are actually people in the world who don't know who Oprah is. For a little perspective, how many of you would recognize this guy if he was in line behind you at Starbucks? >>>>>>
  • If this snippy Swiss clerk is similar to retail clerks around the world, I'm guessing she was paid hourly and perhaps on commish. I say 'was', assuming this person was summarily dismissed after this story hit the fan. Hope she is lying awake at night missing her job and the commission she would have made on that $38,000 handbag she refused to show Oprah. Yes, $38,000.
  • As I am blogging this I cannot find any definitive pix of the bag in question. Maybe something like this one, except in crocodile. Nice and all, but is it really worth two years of college tuition (which I happen to know about, since I am just now wrapping up paying for kid #2)?
  • You don't have to be Oprah to be insulted when snippy clerks give you attitude. Two incidents come to mind. Once, more than 20 years ago while living in Texas, we took a road trip across the border into Matamoros, looking for bargains on Mexican silver jewelry, and of course, booze. I had my negotiating skills all polished up and ready for action, which took some polishing because I really, really hate negotiating for anything. But it was my understanding if I was going to practice haggling, this was the place. It was expected. So I put on my Big Girl Panties, found a shop with some great jewelry, and made an offer. The owner didn't even bother with me, just turned his back on me and left me standing there. It was not a matter of language barrier. He spoke English perfectly well until that point. I know what you are thinking, but, hey, it was a fair offer! The other time, I was in a discount rug warehouse (carpet, not toupee) near Charlotte, NC managed by some middle eastern folks who certainly seemed to know their stuff re carpets. A very nice gentleman showed me around. He was nice, that is, until he asked me what price range I was interested in. When I told him, he turned on his heel - literally leaned back slightly so that a little sliver of the heel of his run-down Payless beater loafers made just enough contact that he could literally spin zzzzt! and put me in the rear view - walked away from me, and sent what looked to be his 12-year-old son to come and deal with me instead. Keep in mind this was a big, unadorned discount warehouse in a rundown industrial park off I-77, not Neiman Freaking Marcus. The prices are supposed to be low, right? In both instances, I was mortified. In both instances, I left without buying anything. Oprah, I feel your pain. Oh, how I wish I had the resources, financial and otherwise, to extract sweet, sweet revenge on both of those yahoos. But I didn't then, and I don't now. The best I could do was leave with head held high, dignity somewhat intact, and nurture my outrage for decades until I had this chance to expose those inconsiderate, rude sunzabitches in a public shaming. What, me nurse a grudge??
  • Speaking of crocodile, just because something is made of prehistoric reptile doesn't necessarily mean it should cost that much. It is almost time for the annual gator hunt here in South Carolina. You have to have a tag to hunt one legally. Tags costs $100. All you need is a tag, a gun and a boat, or a friend who is willing to share. Where the real cost comes in is curing/tanning the hide. It is time consuming and a little pricey, but way cheaper than paying retail!

I think we should invite Oprah to South Carolina this fall for the annual gator hunt. South Carolina doesn't have any crocodiles that I am aware of, but gator is close enough IMO. She could bag her own. We know she can easily afford the processing fees if she is willing to wait several months for the hide to cure. As soon as her new handbag is ready, her first stop should be that shop in Zurich, just to wave the DIY gator bag around and say 'nanny nanny boo boo' to that idiot clerk.

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Published on Leave a comment on Story Grid Micro: Aliens

based on the Story Grid series of blog posts, books, and podcasts by Shawn Coyne and Tim Grahl.

Welcome back to my continuation of applying the Story Grid method of story structure analysis to one of my favorite stories: the sci-fi/action/horror classic, Aliens.

Last week, I introduce the concept of Shawn Coyne's Story Grid in macro as it pertains to the entire, or global, story. I promised you a contrasting perspective this week, by applying that same method in a micro level to one of my favorite scenes from that film. We will see how it can be used at the smallest levels of story to help you analyze and troubleshoot your work.

I'll give a quick overview of the Story Grid approach here (if you want more details, check out last week's blog, or go strait to the source at storygrid.com). Stories that work typically have a solid structural foundation consisting of five fundamental components: the Inciting Incident, one or more Progressive Complications, one of which forces a Turning Point; the Crisis; the Climax; and the Resolution. See the infographic below for details on what these terms mean in the Story Grid universe.

The scene I've selected for this micro dive is one of the scenes I singled out last week as one of the 5 Commandments in the global story: the Crisis.

There's so much to love about this scene - where do I begin? Bill Paxton's panicked Private Hudson; Michael Biehn's resigned, ticked off, Corporal Hicks; and of course our fearless leader, Ellen Ripley not mincing words when she sets slimeball Burke straight about what's going to happen next. Click here to watch the two minute scene. It's glorious.

Just to recap: the elite military force sent to investigate mysterious problems on The Company's terraforming planet has just been decimated in their first encounter with the aliens. They are dumbfounded by this turn of events, to say the least. The survivors have retreated to the safety one of their fancy military vehicles to discuss what action to take next, since their original plan to show up, kick ass, and take names, has failed so spectacularly. Ripley and the remaining soldiers want to exterminate the aliens by any means possible, including destroying the terraforming facility from space using nuclear weapons. But Burke, who works for The Company, objects on the grounds they have much invested in this facility, and he urges them to consider other options. But they outnumber him physically, point out that technically he is not in charge, and decide to proceed with their plan to destroy the entire facility.

I chose this scene as a Crisis scene (in the Story Grid sense) at the global level because events force the characters to regroup and make a new plan of action. They each suggest options, laying out the various choices quickly and concisely.

Identifying important scenes from the 30,000 foot level may seem pretty straightforward (even though it's not, IMO). But what about the 3000 foot, or the 30 foot? It's tempting to feel like you're in a forest-for-the-trees situation. The trick is to view the smaller chunk as the entire story.

My other handy tip to help identify these components is to identify the most important/obvious one first, and work from there. For me, this is usually the Climax. Some find the Turning Point more obvious. Basically identify which Commandment hill you are willing to die on, and work from there.

Here's how I identify the 5 Commandments in this scene.

Inciting Incident: the expedition discovers the missing colonists deep within the aliens' lair.

Turning Point/Progressive Complication: many of the military force are killed, including their leader.

Crisis: several characters suggest their idea of a Plan B. Some are already thinking about what weapons they still have available and how they can be used. One suggests just leaving. One suggests a literal Nuclear Option. One argues for an option that would minimize the damage to the expensive terraforming facility.

Climax: all but one agree they should employ the maximum force necessary - "it's the only way to be sure".

Resolution: the group quickly prepares to take action on this new plan.

As I mentioned last time, and will mention every time when blogging about the Story Grid 5C's: even though they're referred to as 'commandments', they are definitely not written in stone. I'd love to hear your thoughts on where the 5C's of this scene are - especially if you disagree with me!

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, I hope you'll take a minute to subscribe to my blog (the subscribe box is near the top of the right sidebar).Oh, and p.s. this post includes affiliate links.

Published on Leave a comment on Story Grid Macro: Aliens

based on the Story Grid series of blog posts, books, and podcasts by Shawn Coyne and Tim Grahl.

Anyone else out there a devoted fan/follower/cult member of a particular writing craft guru? If you peruse my bookshelves, you'll find writing craft books by several of my favorites. The usual suspects are in attendance: Kleon, Lamott, Barry, King, Brooks, Snyder, McKee. In an attempt to keep my book purchasing compulsion in check, I try to only buy a book if I find it so captivating and resonant, I can envision myself referring to it frequently.

If I'm honest, only about half of the craft books on my shelf get opened with any regularity. But there is one that I refer to, think about, mull over, and recommend far more than any others: Story Grid by Shawn Coyne.

I'm a proud Story Grid nerd and I don't care who knows it. I've found it tremendously useful, and I'm starting a series of blog posts about it because I hope you will find it useful as well.

Blogging about the Story Grid method certainly isn't original to me. They've got their own website, blog, podcasts, classes, you name it. I encourage you to check them out. It will be well worth your time. Just think of my efforts here as fan non-fiction.

Story Grid consists of a variety of concepts and tools developed by editor Shawn Coyne. Coyne describes his method as a 'pragmatic approach to solving the story creation problem'. He uses a variety of analysis tools, including a robust spreadsheet that serves as a combination story spine and editing tool; an overview of the various genres; and a checklist of recommended story components.

One of the Story Grid family of podcasts is devoted to applying the Story Grid analysis to well-known stories, usually films. I find these analyses extremely enjoyable as well as useful. So I thought I would jump on the bandwagon and add a few of my own.

Recently I attended a Story Grid Live event in Nashville. The presentations were great. But the breakout sessions . . . oh, my. As Shawn likes to say, that's where the rubber hit the road. During the breakouts, groups of a half-dozen or so of Story Grid nerds sat around discussing specific scenes from a masterworks. We worked on identifying the 5Cs and other important components. Sometimes we agreed. Sometimes, we didn't. It was glorious.

I do something very similar when my online critique group gets together via Skype every two weeks. But I'm thinking, you just can't get enough of a good thing. I could do this every day.

TBH, I sorta already do this every day. Every time I read a book or watch a show, I'm breaking it down into its Story Grid components. But when you do it in a group setting, the benefits increase exponentially.

Now, I regret I cannot meet with a bunch of other story nerds in person every day, much as I would like to. But thanks to the internet, we can do the next best thing: we can blog and comment. So without further adieu, here's my contribution to spreading the Story Grid wealth.

I'm starting with a film I love and am studying as a prime example of a well-crafted action story, which is the genre I'm currently working in as well. I've selected Aliens, the second film in the franchise.

In this blog post, I'm going to attempt a macro analysis that identifies the 5Cs of the global story/entire film. In a separate post, I'll do a micro analysis of a specific scene. I hope this demonstrates the versatility of understanding the concept of the 5 Commandments as a craft tool and how it can be useful in just about any phase of your writing project.

Before I dive into the 5C's of Aliens, it would probably be helpful to catch you up just in case you're not familiar. The 5 Commandments, or suggested components, of a successful story include the following.

The Inciting Incident something happens to upset the apple cart

The Turning Point/Progressive Complication we now have a different metaphor: the straw that breaks the camel's back

The Crisis the protagonist is now in a pickle and must make a decision

The Climax the protagonist makes their decision

The Resolution the results of this decision unfold

Easy enough to understand, amirite? The fun begins when we attempt to apply them to actual stories.

One more thing before we get to the analysis: it's kinda hard to give a wrong answer in this stuff. Story Grid nerds relish the opportunity to discuss the various options at length. My opinions below are just that: opinions. My primary goal in posting this stuff is to spark some vigorous discussions. Agree with me on these? Great! Disagree? Even better! Let's discuss!

Okay, enough of the prelude. Let's get down to business. Here's my analysis, in a handy infographic, of the 5 Commandments applied to the entire film, Aliens.

Pretty simple, right? Yeah, sure, it is now, after hours of sweating through the various options and rearranging and rethinking. For example, initially I had the Inciting Incident as when Ripley is rescued in outer space after 57 years in cryosleep. There are also several viable candidates for the Turning Point. And the entire film is full of what we can all probably agree is one crisis after another.

I look forward to your thoughts on which of the scenes in Aliens best fit the global 5C's. In my next post, I'll apply the same analysis to a specific scene, rather than the entire story.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, I hope you'll take a minute to subscribe to my blog (the subscribe box is near the top of the right sidebar). Oh, and p.s. this post includes affiliate links.

Published on Leave a comment on Get Out Of The Zone

JK about the Taco Bell. I am 94 days drive-thru free and counting.

Recently I shouted down the oh-so-persuasive voices in my head and forced myself to do something that was out of my comfort zone. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and am so glad I talked myself into it. I find as I get older, the figurative overstuffed La-Z-Boy that is my designated comfort zone is harder and harder to climb out of. Okay, yeah, it's literal, too.

All kinds of studies have shown the mental, physical, and social benefits of varying your routine. When we are young, this is pretty much unavoidable because just about everything you do is new to you. Those things you try that you enjoy, you tend to repeat, and therein lies the slippery slope to Routineville. As we age, not only are there fewer things we haven't tried; the I Can Do Anything I Want freedom of adulthood is often squandered when doing Anything morphs into doing the same thing, over and over again. The girl who dared try the high dive and got her ears pierced - twice each! - becomes the woman whose idea of living dangerously is ordering Taco Bell's #2 lunch combo instead of old trusty #1. Folks, that is one lap away from the human version of the dog that has worn a dusty path in the grass precisely 18 inches inside the perimeter of the back yard fence.

Venturing outside the comfort zone represents risk. Often there is more at stake than getting a soft taco instead of crunchy with your combo meal.  For example, consider all of the people unfortunate enough to get stuck on the Poop Cruise. Imagine those who were taking their first cruise. No doubt some were outside their comfort zone but had finally decided to take the plunge and were feeling pretty good about it. Ocean breezes, midnight buffets, chocolate fountains - what could go wrong? Poop Cruise was certainly not a disaster of Titanic proportions, but both experiences probably put a lot of people off cruising for life. Still, this is not something you could anticipate happening (at least prior to it happening- now you can!). Some activities, after you sign the waivers, come with a t-shirt that says MORON.

I was not always so resistant to the temptation to try somewhat risky new things. A couple of times in my ignorant youth, I took advantage of the opportunity to go up in small planes with friends. Once was with a college friend who was taking flying lessons. Her instructor was with us. The second time was on a date with a guy. No one else was with us. Both times we landed safely. Aside from 30 seconds of terror during the flying lesson when they were practicing coming out of a stall (without preparing me beforehand, thanks ever so much), I never felt unsafe. However, now I see online an alarming number of fatal accidents in 'homemade' aircraft, most while flown by experienced pilots. Folks, I don't care how much experience you have flying. If the words 'homemade', 'kit', or 'DIY' are associated with the make/model of the plane, I'm calling a cab.

Never since seeing the movie Jaws have I had any interest in cage diving, but I understand the movie had the opposite effect on some folks and cage diving to get up close and personal with sharks is a thing. Yep, sounds stupid to me, too, but apparently plenty of people get their adrenaline rush this way. The companies who offer this service have loads of literature attesting to their 100% safety record, strength of the cages, blah blah blah. But sometimes the cage structure may be the least of your worries. One cage diving boat didn't even make it far enough test the veracity of their own propaganda. They arrived in 'Shark Alley' and prepared for a fun-filled day lowering human-sized canapes into frigid ocean water alongside toothsome two-thousand-pound carnivores. Alas, a rogue wave capsized their boat before anyone could say 'zip my wetsuit'. Everybody into the pool, indeed. Several were injured. Three died. Could have been worse, but other boats were in the vicinity and scooped up the shark snacks before the sharks heard the dinner bell ring.

Oh hell no

Now you know I can't wrap this up without a few words about skydiving. When I was young and stupid, I had skydiving on my list. Back then we didn't call it a 'bucket list', but that's basically what it was, a list of things I wanted to try. When you're young, you don't add the depressing phrase 'before I die' because when you are young and stupid, death is not on your radar. See Jackass or YouTube for proof of this.

Anyway, most of these things were not things I was particularly interested in. I just wanted to try them to enjoy the effect it would have on other people when I casually mentioned I had done this thing or that thing. Yes, to make me look cool. Ack.

I never got around to skydiving and after I had a couple of kids, I wised up and crossed it off the list. I figured if I was going to die doing something stupid, at least it should be something I want to do rather than something I was doing to impress other people. I know lots of people enjoy this hobby safely, but when something goes wrong, it goes wrong in a big way. Proof: tell me which of these phrases gives you the greatest feeling of unease:

1) malfunction

2) freak updraft

3) failure

4) caught on camera

5) accidental

For those who selected 4, I feel your pain. Now try the exercise again when each phrase appears in an article about skydiving. The correct answer is All Of The Above.

Sheesh. I really don't want to be granny about trying new things, but after writing this, I have just about talked myself out of everything. That combination zipline/bungee jump/polar bear tracking junket in the Arctic I just bought on Groupon is out of the question. Instead, I will throw caution to the winds and ask for the extra hot salsa - with my trusty Combo #1, natch.

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2

Published on 2 Comments on What’s Wrong With This Shirt?
The offending item
original photo here

Bemused by the big stink over a certain back-to-school offering (see photo) at a shop I haven't stepped foot into in more than 25 years (and rarely did even when my kids were small). Many knickers are in a twist over the last item listed on the shirt, Math. The argument goes like this: because the 'math' box is unchecked, it implies the (probably female) wearer doesn't like/isn't good at math, which fuels a sexist cliche that females are less intelligent.

My two cents on the Math question: yes, it is stupid and offensive, but let's be honest - what percentage of the population does like/is good at math, regardless of gender? Walk down any street in this country - heck, in the world! - asking everyone if they like/are good at math, and I bet you a gently-used 1990s era Texas Instruments multi-function calculator complete with original paperback instruction manual larger and heavier than said calculator, that at least 70% of the responses will be negative. (See what I did there?)

Also, it must be asked that on the topic of gender and intelligence, what is the ratio of males to females in the management hierarchy of said clothing store company responsible for giving the go-ahead to sell this shirt? Just askin'.

Anywho - math, schmath. Math is one of those necessary evils like kale or pap smears -  you know it is good for you, but it's dang hard to work up any enthusiasm for it. More interesting to me are the other three items on the list on that shirt: shopping, music, and dancing. Why aren't more people enraged by that list? Isn't the inclusion of those three cliche-ridden fluff hobbies more offensive than the unchecked Math?

I know all of you dance and band mommies are about to climb all over me for that. Yes, dancers are highly skilled athletes. Yes, it takes years of dedication to become a professional musician. But we all know playing at Carnegie Hall or dancing with the Bolshoi is not what the shirt maker had in mind. You are lumped in with shopping, for crying out loud!

(nervously looking over my shoulder, wondering if there is such a thing as Shopping Mommies)

If this store really wanted to impress me, here are a few other combinations that would be more palatable on a 'My Best Subjects' shirt.

Checked: Bioengineering     Quantum Physics      Economics

Unchecked: Housework

or

Checked: Tolerance      Inclusion      Equality 

Unchecked: Misogyny

or (my personal fave)

Under where it says 'My Best Subjects', only one box is checked off, and that box says 'ALL OF THEM'.

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Published on Leave a comment on Mars Landing, JPL Style

I stayed up and watched the Mars landing when it happened in May of 2018, which is saying something for me since it didn't happen until 1:30 a.m. my time. Despite being hyped as '7 minutes of terror', everything went smoothly. Even though nothing blew up, nothing failed, nothing crashed, and no fights broke out, it was worth watching - and here's why.

I'm of an age that I remember what I was doing when we put a man on the moon. We were out on Grapevine Lake in our little 14 foot motorboat. The weather was hot. The landing was cool. I think this is gonna turn about to be one of those things you will remember what you were doing when we landed on Mars. I hope I am alive and kickin' when we put a human up there.

Inspirational programming

I'm also of an age that grew up watching the original Star Trek television series. I honestly don't remember if I liked space before that, or if that series ignited my interest in space. It was hard not to love all things space, growing up in the 60s with the space race, moon landing, Apollo program, etc. Space topics were the Facebook of that era. It was all around you and everybody indulged.

In addition to real life scenarios playing out on a regular basis, we feasted on some of the finest literary sci-fi ever known. Personal favorites Heinlein, Asimov, Bradbury, Dick, Clarke, and many others dominated my library check-out list. It was an embarrassment of riches.

So it's no wonder I am a space nut. When I heard a promo for the upcoming landing on NPR two weeks ago, I plugged it into my calendar.

In an age of mind-blowing technological achievements of which this may be the new leader, it was charming on the verge of quaint to watch the coverage of the JPL command center. Gradually ascending rows of JPL employees, all sporting their jaunty light blue Curiosity Landing logo'd golf shirts, sat peering at their computer screens. Many were fitted with snazzy Madonna-esque headsets (although interestingly, only a handful seemed to be connected to the TV feed). Occasionally you would hear a voice calmly asking this or directing that in uber cool rocket scientist lingo. It was difficult to tell who was talking, because so many of them had headsets and they were all wearing the same shirt.

The coverage was pretty low-key. It consisted of a female commentator who was nice enough but wasn't exactly going for depth;, plus a few cameramen roaming around trying to get different angles, which had to be a challenge considering the long rectangular room was lacking in visual excitement (not to mention difficult to move around in with a big camera weighing you down in addition to the 30 extra ell bees that seemed de rigeur for said cameramen). Stationery cameras were parked at corners of the room, capturing the event as it unfolded. There were long periods of nothing much going on other than flickering screens and murmuring scientists.

Bobak Ferdowsi

I turned it on about an hour before touchdown, so I had plenty of time to observe the participants. It was an interesting mix. Mostly men, of course, but within that demographic, there was a wide range of types. Several graying/balding older men; a few young pups. Most looked like your average middle-aged government or academic employee. Some were definitely on the outer edge. One swarthy young fellow had a wicked Mohawk, complete with a patch of hair dyed dark red. And I mean the color red, not the hair tint. Mars Red. One of the bosses had not one but two small hoop earrings in his left ear. Another older dude had graying hair long past his shoulders, plus the facial hair worthy of a Sons of Anarchy extra.

There were a few women sprinkled in, maybe a half dozen or so. All were in the 30-40 age range. None had gotten especially dolled up for their big moment, at least that I could tell. And good for them. If I were a rocket scientist of that caliber, I wouldn't give two hoots about getting my hair and nails did for the biggest night of my life, either. Wait, who am I kidding - of course I would! But these gals probably would have been hooted out of the room if they had showed up looking anything different than their daily science nerd selves. So brava, ladies of Mars Landing, brava!

Who is this guy??

This got me to wondering about the preparation the employees must have had for their big television debut. Remember, there are at least 30-40 people in this room watching what may be the most important event of their career, their life. But there are also several strangers invading their sanctum sanctorum, broadcasting their every move to millions of homes around the world. I can just imagine that staff meeting. Probably included a PowerPoint entitled Top 10 Things Not To Do While We Are On Live Television, No Matter How Often We Let You Do It When We Are Not On Live Television:

  1. Chew Gum
  2. Smoke
  3. Indicate nerves, fear, anxiety or any other negative emotion by frowning, grimacing, or covering face with hands
  4. Pick Nose
  5. Pick Seat
  6. Pick Teeth
  7. Scratch Crotch
  8. Curse
  9. Wave and Say 'Hi Mom'
  10. Hold Up Homemade Signs Or Any Other Overt Nerd Hijinx

A word about #10: I Am Not Making This Up - about 6 minutes into their touchdown celebration, one of the female staffers can be seen urging a male coworker to retrieve something from underneath the desk area. He complies, pulling out a weird little homemade paper doll. From the neck down it looks like my 8 year old Labrador sketched out a human on some white copy paper. The feet look more like flippers. He is nude except for a red swim suit/pair of shorts. I say 'he' because the oversize head is a cutout photo of someone I cannot recognize. Youngish man with dark hair and a nice smile. This doll has a narrow wooden strip to support it so it can stand upright. The two staff waved this paper doll around briefly but it disappeared soon afterward. Dying to know what that was about. 

Aside from the weird paper doll episode, for such an epic event I must say the staff remained quite calm, even poker-faced, applauding each progression with admirable restraint and hiding any anxiety they were feeling extremely well. I noticed one Asian fellow who was obviously a high up mucky-muck (he had one of the live headsets) was cool as a cucumber from the waist up - but had an extreme case of Jiggle Leg. A few pencils were tapped silly; a few chins rubbed in that way guys do when they are nervous. All was Calm on the Space Front until of course the actual touchdown, when the staff was allowed to let loose for ten minutes or so. Complete chaos! Lots of hugs, grown men crying like toddlers, very touching.

Curiosity rocks!

I couldn't help but marvel at the brain power contained in that room. The creme de la creme, the pinnacle of human evolution who had sweated blood to get that project funded, built, and across 350 million miles in one (or two) pieces successfully. I hope other worthy projects are getting the same level of financial and mental resources. Also wonder how the discontinuation of the shuttle program may have helped financially with Curiosity. I miss the shuttles, but if this is their replacement - 7 minutes of terror, paper dolls and mohawks -  let's rock on!

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4

Published on 4 Comments on Reddit Reprieve

My kids and I tag team various sites and apps, championing and promoting and remaining steadfast to our favorites while spurning others that don't make our personal cut. I am the Google Queen. Drive, Docs, News, Photos, Music, YouTube of course - just about any product Google offers, I'm in. My daughter is pretty Internet savvy. She is all about Pinterest right now. She has a Facebook page, has had her own website, blog, Tumblr, Photo Bucket, used to do MySpace, is a wiz on chatting and a fellow Gmail user. My son was the longest holdout for any kind of tech stuff. He texts regularly but won't do Twitter. He barely checks email unless money or grandparents are involved. He has a FB page but doesn't do much with it, at least not the public one that Mom can see. So I was a little surprised when he mentioned a couple of current news topics and said he heard about them on Reddit.

I had heard of Reddit and had checked it out a few years ago when I was also looking at Digg and some other news conglomeration sites that I have since forgotten. I took another look recently but was turned off by the whole popularity angle. Apparently links are submitted and everybody on Reddit votes on the ones they like. Sort of like a virtual high school homecoming contest. The more votes a post gets, the higher up it appears on the scroll list. A bunch of people not in my peer group (middle aged empty nester) voting on stuff I didn't care about (video games, flavored vodka, out-of-focus pet photos) didn't seem like the best way to evaluate newsworthiness.

Game changer: Obama was a guest on a Reddit feature called Ask Me Anything. I know this because I saw the Forbes interview blurb on the Google News feed. That sentence alone should tell you how I like my Internet news! Anyway - I thought if Reddit was good enough for The President of The United States, I better give it another look.

Overall my reaction is still m'eh. I don't like the color (or lack thereof) or the layout. The posts at the top of some lists were 'sponsored', meaning someone paid big bucks to have their post at the top of the list. Should this be allowed? I understand the Reddit folks want to monetize their site, but doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose of a site based on the popularity of the posts? I guess if it's okay for Google . . .  The non-sponsored posts were mostly uninteresting to me, way too Notice Me! or juvenile. And very little organization, if any. Perfect for those of us with ADD but not great for organized, productive news-seeking.

However. I did see one post that piqued my interest and kept my visit to Reddit from being a waste of click time:

The Hulk is now the main character of your favorite movie. How would that change it?

One random post in a sea of thousands had me scrolling and smiling. One random post has inspired dozens of fun ideas for future blog entries. So thank you to my son, the nice folks at Reddit, and the former President of the United States for leading the way to yet another site that will kill hours of my time. Beats cleaning toilets. 

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Published on Leave a comment on Enough Already With The Made Up Words
Nobody does it better

I may have mentioned that I have partaken of the Google Kool-Aid. (BTW part of getting older is the annoyingly ever-present sense of deja vu one feels when bringing up practically any topic. You find yourself prefacing virtually every sentence with 'I may have mentioned' or 'Was it you I was telling' to soften the awkwardness of being told, 'yes, you already told me that'. It's a dementia preemptive strike. The logic goes like this: I can't have dementia if I'm aware that it may seem that I have dementia and forgot I already told you this twenty minutes ago. Flawed Logic Alert: so somehow it is better that you freely admit you can't remember if you already told someone something?)

But I digress.

I am pretty sure I mentioned this Google thing to you earlier, and one of the many reasons I am fond of it/them is the name. 'Google' is, I think, one of the first Internet-related made up words and IMO without doubt the best. It has a carefree air, is easy to spell and remember, and has been joyfully embraced by all. As it caught on, Mad Men everywhere breathed a huge sigh of relief that they could abandon the frustrating search for unique preexisting words and instead turn their ever so creative minds to, well, creating. Never again would we have to put up with half-assed, uninspiring names. Yes, Kia Sportage, I am talking to you.

So how is that working out for you, tech industry? I'll tell you how: not so good. With the explosion of millions of internet-related doohickeys, the fun and cool made-up names evaporated like camel piss on the Sahara. Instead of the Googles and Diggs and Reddits, we are now stuck with a bunch of non-words that not only have no meaning, they do not carry their marketing weight. We couldn't remember them, much less spell them in order to retype their home URL, if our life depended on it.

What brings this to mind is a recent convo I had with my daughter. She was recommending a new fitness app to me. Really liked it, cool GPS features to help you figure out how far your ran or biked that day, etc. What's not to like? I'll tell you what: the name. It's www.strava.com. What exactly is a strava? Is it someone's initials? Some sort of exotic African wildlife? The first, middle and last portions of the names/breeds/colors of the founders' purse pooches? The menu item served when the venture capital deal was clinched? Their favorite bike part/jelly bean flavor/middle school crush? You haters out there are probably thinking, well yeah but what is a 'Google'? I'll tell you what it is: it has grown beyond all doubt and question into its own thing, completely impervious to your haters' hateful hating. Aww, just kidding - spoiler alert - Google haters are right up there with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and a balanced national budget as one of the greatest myths of the modern age.

photo by Amador Loureiro via Unsplash

Mind you, I am not talking about domains that co-opt an existing word that has little or no relation to the domain content other than someone just liked the word (Yahoo), or those that have cleverly combined words and letters in a new way (Pinterest) or dropped silent or otherwise extraneous letters a la text message (Flickr). No, I am ranting about words that, until somebody paid the fee to GoDaddy, had ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING. AT ALL. Do you think a bunch of Stanford engineering grads sat around brainstorming these, or some former Papa John's employees just followed a two-year-old around and tried to reproduce every sound they made? I'll let the evidence do the talking. In order from bad to worst:

mozilla - I have been fooling about with computers for so long, I actually remember Mozilla from the bad ol' days of cassette tapes and floppy disks. This one gets a pass for sentimental reasons.

squidoo - actually kinda cute, puts me in mind of an adorable sea creature and its not-so-adorable bodily functions.

squurl - this one is included as it perfectly represents my bias against those who cannot be troubled to learn how to spell.

jamendo and jango - these are both music sites. One is semi-catchy. One fails. Which is which? I'll let you decide.

qz - science nerds running amok playing Esoteric Hipster, dangerously close to mystifying their intended audience. Yeah, I had to look it up.

imgur - yeah I get it but they are taking the phonetic thing a little too far, dontcha think? See squurl. And yes by using dontcha I am being ironic.

dord - this one is not a domain name yet, but if you want to use it, it has a cool pedigree.

meebo - the name wasn't bad enough to keep Google from buying it.

Oh yeah this baby will really drive the traffic to your site

erowid - this is a semi-real word but a) no regular person knows wtf it means and b) my brain keeps wanting to translate it to 'earwig' - eewwww!!

tweewoo - another music site. Folks shoulda put down the bong before they registered this one. I refuse to patronize any site that makes me sound like Elmer Fudd while pronouncing it.

fffff.at - these people have clearly just given up on finding a unique domain name. Isn't this the sound you make to approximate air being let out of a balloon?

Apparently there are websites out there that contribute to this debacle. Their clever algorithms will generate scores of unique yet meaningless domain names. Not to be outdone by a few lines of code, I'd like to take a crack at it. How about these? I even have some ideas for target markets.

foozl - perfect as a dating site for dyslexic court jesters

zaxunz - European police siren repair

klaq - speech pathology site for domesticated water fowl

baahrf - I totally see this working for one of those sites that tells college students where the good parties are

Good news: my hypothesis was correct. No pricey algorithms necessary to generate the perfectly unique domain name.  Just grab your Scrabble tiles (the real ones, not the app version), find a human 24 months or younger, and spell out the sounds they make (regardless of orifice). Piece of cake.

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4

Published on 4 Comments on It’s Not What You Think – It’s When
Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference

The nice folks at Scientific American are at it again, generously dispensing much-needed wisdom to the 99% of us dolts out here dragging our knuckles. Recently a gentleman from Whoknowswhere, Cyberspace emailed them wondering why it is impossible for the human brain to take a timeout and stop thinking, if only briefly. The short answer was: It's evolution, stupid. Nah, just kidding - they didn't actually say 'evolution'.

Apparently, if our brains had not been designed as eternal thinking machines, we would have ended up on the unpleasant end of the food chain instead of up here at the top with the monkeys and the sharks. That leads me to believe the lower organisms have a sort of OFF switch upstairs, or maybe it is more like a motion detector - their brain lolls about in Energysaver mode, until the shadow of a shark or something else equally toothy passes overhead. Then it bombs on like my grandpa waking himself up from a Sunday afternoon sofa nap with a big snore snort, and said organism gets the heck out of Dodge, all wild-eyed and ziggity-zaggety.

As a human, naturally my brain was thinking during the entire time I was reading the article. I was thinking about where I would get my next Twinkie and how much it would cost. Also, I was thinking how often I have wondered the exact opposite of Cyberspace dude's question: not 'why are we thinking all the time?' but 'what was that person thinking?'. In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and call BS on this whole 'can't turn it off' theory. There are plenty of examples where more or less fully evolved humans ARE NOT THINKING ANYTHING AT ALL for considerable stretches of time.

Sometimes said human is me. Like the time I left four London broils luxuriating in a red wine and mushroom marinade defrosting in the kitchen sink when I went to work. Upon my return the steaks had mysteriously disappeared, but the remnants of ziplock bag and my dog's food coma suggested what became of them. My first thought to myself was 'what was I thinking??'. BTW not to worry, no dogs were harmed in this story. A) she's a big dog (60 lb lab) and promptly barfed up every last one of the steaks in near pristine condition; and B) here at Dog Heaven (where all good doggies are fed raw London broils) we subscribe to the philosophy that it makes no sense to discipline the dog hours after the crime has been committed, so she escaped with a stern look, some finger-wagging, and a few choice words not fit for publication here.

But enough about me. What about all those people we see on the Seen at Wal-Mart websites? You know, the ones with photos of customers like the 70 year old dude with the ZZ Top beard, more tufts of white hair on his back than on his head, wearing nothing but a stained banana hammock and dollar flip flops, calmly swiping his debit card and waiting for his receipt like it was the most natural thing in the world? Or the charm school graduate in tube top and cutoffs, exposing so much gravity-defying excess flab that the Jet Propulsion Laboratory is currently studying her pictures for possible use in designing space station attire? Can you honestly tell me they were THINKING ANYTHING before they left the house?

We can look to the world of crime for more examples of disengaged brains. Consider the case of the South Dakota mom in attendance at her son's Boy Scout meeting. Imagine her surprise when the guest-speaking local policeman's drug-sniffing dog discovered the bag of pot she had in her purse. How about the California bank robber who, not in possession of an actual gun, instead tried the time-honored tradition of using his thumb and pointer finger to make the shape of a gun in his pocket. Unfortunately, he could not remember to keep his 'gun' in his pocket during the robbery.

Thanks to the 'entertainment' industry, we have plenty more examples to back my theory. What about the genius who cast Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor in the recent made-for-TV biopic? Who green-lighted a sitcom based on the GEICO commercial cavemen? Asked Rosanne to sing the national anthem at a Padres game? Jersey Shore? Honey Boo-Boo?

We haven't even talked about the fertile ground of politics (oh how I long for the days when all I had to worry about was the impolitic choice of Sarah Palin for VP) or YouTube (Redneck Hey Watch This videos prove my point in under thirty seconds). Rather than providing cutesy answers to problems that don't exist, I think Scientific American needs to come up with a fail-safe method to determine when our brains need to be ON. I even have the perfect laboratory environment in mind: the nearest Wal-Mart. It's not sterile, but the experiment subjects are unlimited.

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4

Published on 4 Comments on Don’t Be That Deli Guy

A funny thing happened on the way home from lunch recently. We stopped into a pizza joint for said lunch and notice a new deli in the space next door. After enjoying a pretty decent veggie pizza (thin crust, natch) we dropped into the deli to give it the once-over. On our way out, a gentleman from the deli chased us into the parking lot. Nothing unusual, he just wanted to make sure everything was okay since we left without ordering. We explained, he encouraged us to come back some time, end of story. Except while he was talking to my husband I could not help but notice his barn door was wide open.


Obvious, isn't it? Photo from bluestemprairie

Awkward, yes! Where do I look, now that I know this and am trying desperately not to look down there again???? He must have been in quite a hurry to follow us out to our cars. Was he in the gents, or had he been wandering around like that all morning and no one had the courtesy to clue him in? I will never know. But this incident got me thinking about fastening our clothing, specifically our pants, and how we got where we are today.


Mr. Weissmuller easily meets my criteria for going shirtless. Photo credit fanpop.com

Things were so much easier when homo sapiens was busy learning to stand upright and dispensed with clothing altogether. Eventually someone decided a loincloth was in order. That's fine, but how to keep the thing on with all that running for your life? Rawhide to the rescue! A simple string tied around the waist did the trick.

'Twas not exactly a direct route from loin cloths to Levi's. The ancients of the Western world could not be bothered with the string and abandoned the loincloth idea entirely in favor of tunics, which, yes, might look a lot like a dress to us moderns. But tunics did little for warming the legs in cold climates, so pants eventually but grudgingly made a resurgence during the Middle Ages. The toga-and-tunic crowd considered them gauche. But their practicality and warmth could not be denied. Eventually some variation of pants made their way into non-pants societies in the form of tights, then knickers - form-fitting pants ending at the knee, with stockings covering the gap from the knee to the foot. Drawstrings and buttons served for fasteners.


Maybe it looks like a dress, but I'm not gonna mention to any of these dudes. Photo credit: Straight 2 DVD

Modern trousers finally triumphed during the French Revolution, worn by many to thumb their noses at the knickers-wearing aristocracy. Moving away from the drawstring style, pants next had front flap with some type of closing device, usually buttons, on either side. By the early 1900s the center front closure (still buttons!) and looser fit we are familiar with today became the norm.


Front flap precursor to center closure. Try not to stare. photo source fanpop

If you have ever owned a pair of button fly pants, join me in being ever so thankful to Gideon Sundbeck and others for inventing the modern zipper. Button fly may look cool and retro, but try feeling fashionable when you are also feeling the pressure to get them undone in a timely manner! Buttons, drawstrings, sashes, snaps, hooks, suspenders, and elastic have all had a go at keeping our pants up or closed or both. Zipper definitely dominates. Ironically it is both most convenient and also mostly likely to fail, as in the case of Deli Guy. Though I am appreciative of the zipper's elegant simplicity, I don't quite trust it. It never hurts to give the occasional XYZ*. Don't be that Deli Guy.

*eXamine Your Zipper

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