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Author: lissajohnston@gmail.com

Published on Leave a comment on Peacock Vows Are (You Knew This Was Coming) For The Birds
Nobody does peacocks like NatGeo. Original here.

Got the cheery news via Parade Magazine that only 8% of New Year's resolutions, aka 'peacock vows', are successfully achieved.  The nice folks at Parade are so sweet to phrase it like that. Of course that also means a 92% fail rate. To give more math spin on that paltry 8%:

  • If you have 5 resolutions, you will make about 40% progress on ONE of them. The other four will fail.
  • If you and 9 other friends make one resolution each, ONE of you will ALMOST succeed. The other nine will fail.
  • In order to have a better chance at having at least one resolution succeed, you need to make approximately 13 resolutions.

It's news to me that resolutions are referred to as 'peacock vows' in some sectors. According to our friends at Wiki and elsewhere, committing to lofty goals for the new year in medieval times was validated by doing so while swearing on a peacock. Apparently peacocks were easier to find than bibles back then. Why peacocks, you ask? Peacocks' showy plumage symbolized the medieval version of pop culture fame. Tonier sorts showed their hipness by featuring the flashy birds in artwork or live. Also by plucking their feathers to be used in various garments and of course roasting and eating them on special occasions. Think Louis Vuitton logo meets Thanksgiving turkey. Knights used this annual 'Peacock Vow' ritual to renew their allegiance to chivalric virtues such as gallantry, courtesy, and service to others. Nowadays our goals are somewhat less lofty: lose ten pounds, pay off the five figure college loan, be kinder to the brother-in-law even though he is a complete doofus who makes Eddie Johnson look like Albert Einstein.

Why this graphic? You know why.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand which in case my meanderings have distracted you, is New Year's resolutions. By coincidence I also read this morning a hardly original but nevertheless amusing observation by tennis player Andy Murray: if he had the power of invisibility, he would like the type that makes OTHERS disappear. This got me thinking of how we often think in a herd mentality. We wander down the same path others have trod before us. Greener pastures may await if only we have the imagination to approach from a different angle. Applying that logic to the resolution situation opens up some alternatives with potentially greater probability of success.

  • Easiest way to improve that 8% success rate (aka 92% fail rate) is to avoid making any resolutions whatsoever. Put another way, your New Year's resolution is to not make any resolutions. Zero resolutions = zero fail rate. Zero fail rate = 100% success rate, amirite??
  • If you prefer something a little more tangible so that you can contribute to the inevitable January water cooler convos, try this one:  start or stop doing something that you already do or don't do. My personal favorite is quitting smoking, because I don't smoke. 100% success rate, baby!
  • Research indicates resolutions have a better chance of success if you make your goals public. That explains the guy robbing a Stop-N-Go last January with 'Get Out Of Debt' tattooed on his forehead.
Just. Don't.

I think part of the resolution problem is that they're the same old stuff every year - spend less, exercise more, stop shaving the dog into Sesame Street characters.  Another alternative is something I blogged about here. Maybe we all need some fresh perspective. So rather than plan improvements to your own behavior, how about a 'resolution exchange' where we suggest resolutions for each other? I'll start. South Carolina Highway Patrol: starting next week, vow to 'pay it forward' by ignoring your radar guns if the driver is a middle-aged female in a black Honda CR-V. In exchange, I resolve to improve my driving habits by approximately 8%.

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Published on Leave a comment on My Wit’s End Is Not That Far Away

The great wheel of Karma just has a way of seeking you out, tracking you down, and rolling over you so hard, by the time you climb out of that rut, you will need a haircut. I prefer keeping Karma at a comfortable arm's length, but every now and then she wraps me in a bear hug. And I always have it coming.

My neighbors across the cove got a puppy last Christmas. No idea what kind of pooch it is. Sort of looks like a hyena, if hyenas wore dark gray fake rabbit fur coats. She's cuter than that sounds. Anyway the thing that is NOT cute is that she is a Yappy Dog. When she is left outside she is smart enough to voice her displeasure. Sadly for all of us, she is left outside fairly often. We have a running bet at our house which will fail first, her bark or my sanity. We make snarky, superior, self-righteous comments about their obvious failures as pet owners. We agree we are so so thankful that OUR dog is not a yappy dog and a nuisance to the neighborhood.

Flash forward to one recent weekend when our lovely next door neighbors invited us to dinner at their house. We happily agreed and walked the 20 yards over, homemade potato salad and beer cooler in hand. As we sat in the kitchen socializing, I kept hearing an intermittent honking, like a defective car horn trying to outlast a dying battery. Turns out it was our dog, barking at the indignity of being left behind. We have a little-used full glass door on the side of the house that faces that particular neighbor, and she had seen us traipse over there without her. I'll fix this, I thought. I excused myself and walked back over to draw the blinds on that door so she wouldn't see where we went.  Being extra tricky, I fed her a dog treat and left out of the opposite side of the house so she would think I was just going to work or to the Piggly Wiggly as per usual. As I was doubling back around the front of the house on the way to the neighbors, I glanced at the front door (which is also glass). I was a little surprised to see my pooch standing there waiting for me - she got there before I did! Huh. Impressive. How she knew I wasn't driving to the Piggly Wiggly, I'm not sure. She usually doesn't give a rat's behind when I leave the house - can hardly be bothered to raise an eyebrow, much less get up and follow me to to the door. Oh well, no worries, I thought. Even if she does track me back to the other side of the house, the blinds are closed now, so end of problem.

Naughty Dog

Yeah, you guessed it - I didn't even get halfway back to the neighbors' when I heard, well, yapping. I turned to see a little pink nose nosing aside the now-closed wooden blinds on the side door to get a better visual on my position.

The battle of human wits vs. canine wits was so on!

I'll fix this, I thought. Again. Back in I went. No treat this time for Naughty Dog - I was all business. We have a sun room on the far side of the house where she likes to recline, queen-like, for her afternoon naps. Confident in my superior human intellect, I led her into the sun room, closed the door behind me, and headed back to the neighbors'. Before I could even get out the door, she had escaped the sun room through an open window (it's a weird house - yes there are windows in some of our INTERIOR walls . . . ) squirting through her conveniently located escape hatch like the proverbial greased pig, and had beaten me to the back door. There she waited, blinds nosed aside, ready to yap ambush (yambush?) me as soon as I left the house. Never once in our several months of living here had I seen her go through those windows in the sun room. I didn't even know she knew they were there - they were partially blocked by a sofa. But she knew.

Okay, my confidence in my superior human intellect was officially shaken. Three times I had tried to fake her out. Three times I had failed. I went back inside, eliminated all means of escape from the sun room, and left her in there with a very stern parting look. You know how dogs just hate when you look at them sternly. I may have even shaken my finger at her. I returned to the festivities next door. By this time everyone was wondering what I was doing that was taking so long. I hated to admit I was literally at my wits' end trying to outwit a dog. But there it was. And yes, you could still hear a faint yapping from a northerly direction. I so wanted to pass it off as the dog across the cove.

My husband, sniffing out my unspoken failure, joined the fray and excused himself to go next door and do what I could not. I am not sure how he accomplished it. I know what you are thinking, but he would sooner drink Budweiser than harm a hair on our pooch's head. Trust me when I say neither of those things is going to happen. I am guessing his solution was related to the empty freezer bag of ham hock bones I found shoved behind the recycling bins. Whatever he did, it worked, and mercifully the yapping came to an end. 

So, mission accomplished, Karma! Lesson learned! Little Yappy Dog can yap all she wants now. Let her bark from 1:20pm until 5:23 pm, which she did in fact do one afternoon last week. Let her bark until her barker is all barked out. All I do now is think Bless her heart and reach for the headphones.

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Published on 2 Comments on 10 Things I Hate About My Critique Group

When I first started writing, I took someone’s advice and joined a critique group. I didn’t know anything about critique groups. I thought it would be like a book club – the ones where nobody actually reads the book and the meetings are just an excuse to get together for lunch. I guess I joined the wrong group. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Photo by rawpixel at Unsplash

I hate the way I have to have something ready to read every time we meet. I could be napping, or ironing, or grocery shopping, or scrubbing toilets, but instead I have to take the time to write so I’ll have something ready for them to critique.

I hate the way they critique. It never fails, if they have something critical to say, they always follow that up with something positive. It’s so formulaic!

I hate they way they are constantly sharing market sources. Every time we meet, it’s a new contact or magazine or contest. And of course I have to submit something because if I don’t, the rest of the group will wonder why I’m the only one who doesn’t.

I hate they way they pick out the typos in my work. After all, I have been working with this stuff for days, weeks, sometimes months. How did they catch it when I didn’t?

I hate the way they hold me accountable for what I write. For once, why can’t they just say, “It’s good enough the way it is”?

I hate the way they push me to submit every single thing I write. They even critique my queries, for crying out loud!

I hate how they waste so much time brainstorming. Why would they want to spend so much time on a plot twist that isn’t even their story? So what if it makes all the difference and sends me in a direction I hadn’t considered before? Wouldn’t they rather be spending that time on their own work?

I hate they way they insist on celebrating every time someone has a sale. All of that shouting and hugging and praise embarrasses me.

I hate they way they prop me up after yet another rejection. Don’t they realize I will never be any good at this and I just need to stop trying?

Most of all, I hate how I feel when I have to miss a critique group meeting. I miss the input, even if it is critical. I miss my writer friends, even if they sometimes tell me things I don’t want to hear.  So if you will pardon me, I have a deadline. The toilets and the ironing will just have to wait.

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Published on 2 Comments on 6 Things I Learned About Writing From Trans Siberian Orchestra

One holiday season, the hubs and I saw Trans Siberian Orchestra for the first time. We got the tickets as a thank-you gift during a public radio pledge drive. As a long-time supporter I usually don't claim a gift, but when I heard these tickets were available, I had to go for it. I had heard positive things about this group and was curious to see them live. We were not disappointed. The seats were way better than I expected. I had visions of oxygen tanks and safety harnesses but they were not required - we were on the floor level only twelve rows back. My fear of falling to my death from the 'crow's nest' seats was supplanted by fear of being decapitated by the massive lighting rigs suspended over the stage.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew they were an orchestra - duh! I knew they had some seasonal music connection. I imagined an evening of jazzed-up holiday standards, attracting the kind of audience who is excited about the first opportunity to wear their new Christmas sweater. I was wrong.

TSO is a holiday act in the same way Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Yes, there are a few token Christmas references, but at heart they are mind-boggling, eye-popping special effects vehicles. The artists are very talented. But the main attraction was the lighting and video effects. Think Lady Gaga concert meets the Harry Potter ride at Universal Studios.

So I'm sitting there enjoying the show, observing my fellow audience members, and I realized TSO has a very solid business model that can be applied to many endeavors, including writing.

Start on time
We've all heard the nightmare stories of spoiled, irresponsible, drugged-out musicians appearing ridiculously late - or not at all - for their concerts. Not these folks! Concert was scheduled for 8:00p.m. We were underway at 8:00 p.m. No opening acts, no teasers. Clock struck 8 and away we went. As writers it is tempting to assume we are the masters of our own schedules. If we want to sleep in or take a long lunch or hit the mall during off-peak hours, why not? We can make up that precious writing time. Folks, that is the road to perdition. Have a schedule. Stick to it, same as if you were catching a train or driving the kiddos to school. Must happen in a timely manner on a regular basis.

Find a niche and work it
There can't be that many 80s-hair-band-industrial-light-and-sound-Christmas-orchestras out there. That's what I call a niche. Works for TSO, works for writers. Fiction genres have become so splintered. If you can't find a niche that fits your work, that's probably a great sign that you should start your own. Also a great sign no one is filling that need, so you can corner the market for paranormal-fuzzy sleuth-amnesia-whodunits!

Understand your strengths and stick to them
TSO's performance included a long ongoing narrative preceding several of the musical numbers. The narrator had a great voice, but the story was lame and, frankly, boring. But when we got back to the lights and music, all was well. Note to TSO: get an editor.

Understand your audience and give them what they want
Many in the audience had obviously been to a TSO performance before, or owned their recordings. They cheered at the first strains of various songs. They stood on their chairs and waved that Y-shaped hand sign meaning either they are from Hawaii or a member of the Crips, I can never remember which. So hurray for brand loyalty! The arena was pretty full and from what I understand, the retail price of those tickets ran about $75 a pop. People will pay for something that meets their entertainment needs. Find out what that is, and give it to them.

Show your audience you are giving 110%
One of the cast/band/orchestra/whatever was a violinist. Now keep in mind we were in an arena setting. Seats thousands. Sound system second to none. The set was two stories tall, with speakers to match. We are talking LOUD rock music, multiple electric guitars, not one but two electronic keyboards, and a drum set bigger than my car. And the guy with the smallest, lowest decibel instrument in the place is brandishing his violin like a Tahitian fire juggler. Could anyone hear his violin? Nope. Did he care? Not a whit. He wore himself out running all over the place, bowing that fiddle like there was no tomorrow. I don't know if he sounded any good, but A for effort. Your writing should show the same amount of dedication in the finished product. Show the reader you care enough to provide a quality entertainment experience.

Craft a satisfying ending
Endings are tough for musicians. No matter how great the performance, they can't possibly play every song in their catalog, and some fan is bound to disappointed not to hear their favorite. Not having any knowledge of TSO's music, I didn't judge their performance on what they may have left out. Rather, I evaluated it on the 'story arc'. Overall they did a good job. They started with a literal bang, had some peaks and valleys, built to a big finish, didn't stop there, and finished a little bigger. Much like a good fireworks show, it was disappointing but obvious when it was over. As writers, we have it a little easier in that we aren't expected to include each and every character or setting or situation in every story. Because we are not performing live, with proper planning and editing, we can wrap things up neatly and avoid disappointing the audience with sloppy loose ends.

We enjoyed the performance, but I'm not ready to become a TSO groupie. That's not a knock on them. I'm a change junkie. There aren't many experiences that I enjoy repeating ad infinitum. But I do appreciate their professionalism and talent. I look forward to bringing the same level of dedication and hard work to my next project. Anyone know where I can buy a fog machine and some strobe lights?

this post first appeared in 2013

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Published on Leave a comment on Tune In To The Holidays

I have this weird thing I do when it comes to the holidays: I just can't listen to holiday music until December 1. But after the first, anything goes! Nothing gets me more pumped than finding a Christmas music diamond in the rough. So I've put together a list of musical jewels I've discovered in the past. And I hope you'll share some of your favorites with me so I can add to my collection.

Indigo Christmas

My all-time favorite Christmas CD is Indigo Christmas. I bought it years ago, can't remember where, maybe Barnes and Noble?? Have just about worn it out. Every track is a fresh, jazzy arrangement guaranteed to coolify any holiday party. So glad it is still available from Amazon. Backup copies have been made just in case!

 

Bethlehem After Dark

My second-favorite holiday CD is Bethlehem After Dark by featuring Butch Thompson on piano and Laura Sewell on cello, a match made in music heaven. I believe I first heard it on NPR some years ago. Classy without being stuffy - a goal all of us should aspire to!

 

Straight No Chaser

While sampling Straight No Chaser's (of 12 Days of Christmas 15-million-and-counting-hits-on-YouTube fame) Christmas album, I fell in love with their rendition of Let It Snow. Definitely the hippest version of this literal and figurative Christmas evergreen I have heard. The link  below is to a YouTube video of their live performance at a radio station. If you can do without the video, try the album on Spotify instead. Lots of other cool tracks on that album, but this one is my fave.

Straight No Chaser - Let It Snow

In Dulci Jubilo - A Classical Guitar Christmas

Eva Beneke
I heard an interview with Eva Beneke on NPR. She is a world class guitarist. This CD is performed on a vintage Hermann Hauser guitar. Now, I don't know much about guitars. Apparently Hausers are the guitar version of the Stradivarius. The guitar she plays on this CD was on loan from its recent new owner. I checked online and if you want a new one, you are looking at $30,000 and up. A vintage one like this one (1952), one can only wonder what it sold for. I did find a site with a similar guitar for sale. The photos are gorgeous. And if it looks this good, you know it must sound phenomenal.

Anyway - as I was researching this Hauser thing, I clicked on Spotify's holiday playlist. Three songs in, I had to turn it off. So pedestrian, so overdone. I bet you can guess what the first three songs were.* So I turned it off, downloaded Ms. Beneke's beautiful CD, and have been enjoying it ever since.

And of course as soon as I snarktweet on Mariah Carey's Christmas song, I see this on Jezebel. Adorable pop-up munchkins: check. Fallon's mad kazoo skills: check. Mariah rockin' it sans Autotune: check. My Christmas is complete.

Jimmy Fallon, Mariah Carey, Roots -  All I Want For Christmas is You

August Burns Red

August Burns Red - Sleddin' Hill

This album first came to my attention when it bobbed to the top of my Spotify holiday music search. The band was completely unknown to me. I was so excited to forward it to my son, the metal band drumming wonder, to show him I was up on the latest metal band news. Of course he had already heard of them. Oh well!

This may not be your holiday music cup of tea, but I guarantee it will be different from anything else in your collection. Thanks to both of my children for keeping me informed about the music scene. Without them, I would never have listened to some of my favorite bands (Audioslave, Incubus, Rage Against The Machine). So kids, keep sending me stuff, and I will keep listening.

Stile Antico

Stile Antico (stee-lay an-TEE-co) roughly translates to 'old style', but that is much too rough a description for the heavenly sounds this British a capella choral group produces. Today's pick is a long concert, but so beautiful and guaranteed a fresh addition to your tired holiday playlist.

Stile Antico concert at St. Paul's Church, Cambridge MA aired on NPR 12/5/12

Whitney Houston
I love music. I really love Christmas music. And if I happen upon a new (to me) Christmas song that hasn't been done to death and can be enjoyed over and over again, well that just makes my day. Hope this one makes yours.

Whitney Houston with The Georgia Mass Choir - Joy To The World

I'm looking forward to adding to my holiday music collection. I'm hearing good things about Kelly Clarkson's Wrapped In Red. Tell me about your favorites in the comments.

I get commissions for purchases made through links in this post.

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Published on Leave a comment on Check Mates

Hat tip to Food Chick Eats whose recent blog post about dividing the dinner check inspired me to write this. I would have left this as a comment on her post, but as you will see, what I have to say is more rant than comment. I will start with this: what is wrong with people????

In the writing biz, we call that foreshadowing.

As a historian I feel compelled to give some personal history here. Growing up, I was given little insight into how to properly divide a check, mainly because it was pretty straightforward. As my social life progressed, either my date paid for my meal, or we went 'Dutch' (each paid for our own - do people still use that expression? suddenly feeling ancient). Credit cards were rare. Checks were rare. Most dining was done with cash.

Fast forward to the madcap 1980s. My social life was pretty social, to put it mildly. The hubs and I lived in a lively condo community. We had a large circle of friends, mostly singletons, and we socialized frequently. This could mean anywhere from 10-20 of us would go out to dinner together. The first time we did this, all being fairly well-educated adults, I assumed each of us would chip in enough to cover whatever we had ordered, plus tip.

My dad has a saying about what you do when you assume. Maybe you know that saying.

The time came for the check to be delivered. Let me also add this was in the days before fancy schmancy touch screen cash register computing systems. Separate checks were possible but frowned upon. One check, let's say 15 people. Let the games begin.

The waiter selected the unfortunate victim to receive the check. Then we played financial Ring Around the Rosie. Check was passed around; funds were added, then passed again. Only the second person in the rotation actually knew who had contributed how much (the first person). From that point forward, it was hard to know who ordered or paid for what. Heaven help you if you were at the end of the rotation. You might know how much you owed, but you could also see there wasn't near enough money there to cover the bill plus the tip.

The check makes the first rotation. Heads confer re discrepancy between amount owed and amount received. Beer buzz starts to wear off. Tempers flare. The good news: one of our group is a CPA. The bad news: one of our group is a CPA. Out comes the calculator. No one may leave until this is sorted.

The outcome was always the same. One or more of us ran out of patience and made up the difference, even though we had already chipped in our fair share. After this occurred a couple of times, it became apparent certain individuals were using the system to their advantage. Cue demise of beer buzz.

Times have changed. Servers seem more than happy to arrange for separate checks. This solves one aspect of the large group dinner. But what of other situations?

Not long ago I had this happen: I was out with a group of friends. I arrived slightly late and did not hear what arrangements had been made regarding payment (separate or single check). Wine had already been ordered. Someone suggested appetizers. Someone suggested dessert. Someone suggested we split the tab equally. Note I agreed heartily with all of these suggestions. I also did not pay much attention to what others were ordering. That inattention resulted in me paying $60 for a veggie pizza and a glass of wine.

I have since gotten good advice to head off suggestions about a single check by privately asking the server to break yours out separately anyway. If the rest of the group wants theirs all together, fine. Just break yours out.  Do not cave to the peer pressure. Be polite but firm.

I wouldn't mind getting a single check if everyone else played by the same rules, and were competent at math. But if you are bad at math, don't believe in tipping, and enjoy gaming the system to supplement ordering things off the menu you ordinarily could not afford, sorry - I can't make dinner. I have to wash my hair.

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Published on Leave a comment on It’s A Chili Night

Well, we made it through a record-setting cold 24 hours without burst pipes or power outages. Still chilly here, which at my house means chili for dinner. Here's my recipe.

1 pound or thereabouts ground beef

some portion of chopped onion, maybe 1/2 to 1 full cup depending on your taste

1 can chili beans

1 can Rotel-type diced tomatoes (knock-offs ok)

1 8-oz can tomato sauce

1 package chili seasoning (cheapos ok)

Brown the meat and onion. Add beans, tomatoes, tomato sauce and chili seasoning. Simmer for about 30 minutes. Longer is fine. Enjoy with a sprinkling of shredded cheddar cheese, fresh chopped onion, sour cream, whatev. If you are really naughty and craving crunchy/salty, enjoy with Fritos Scoops.

Things you can fool around with on this recipe and it won't mess it up too much:

  • chili beans with regular or hotter sauce
  • flavor/variety of Rotel-type tomatoes. Notice I say 'Rotel-type'. Don't feel any pressure to use the real thing. Have you seen the price of authentic Rotel tomatoes lately???
  • onion variety - any type will do (white, yellow, vidalia) though maybe not red

Things you best not fool around with:

  • meat proportion - if you increase the amount of meat appreciably, increase everything else accordingly.
  • meat type - just stick with the ground beef unless you are a chili pro. If you try the 'chili meat' grind from the grocery store, for example, it might be too tough/need longer cooking than recommended in this recipe, especially if it is cut into cubes rather than ground.
  • beans - I have tried pinto, black, and kidney beans in this recipe. And Ranch style? Fugghedaboutit. Hate them all. My brother thinks I am a traitor for putting any beans at all in the chili, but what can I say? I like the plain ol' chili beans.
  • tomato sauce - I used to make this without any sauce and it's okay, but better with. In a pinch, squirt some ketchup in there if you are out of tomato sauce. Just don't tell my mom I said to do that.

I have tried lots of chili recipes. I have one that calls for grilling the meat 48 hours in advance, growing your own tomatoes and chilies, stirring the pot counter-clockwise with a wooden spoon handed down from at least 6 generations of Native Texans while the Deguello scene from Rio Bravo plays in the background, etc. etc. To heck with that. This recipe is quick, simple, inexpensive, and satisfying. When the weather is frightful and you are worried about ice breaking tree limbs and knocking out your electricity at any moment, you don't have time for any stinking 48-hour grilling. As we say in Texas, 'git while the gittin's good'!

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Published on 4 Comments on Annie Get Your Gun

Don't you sometimes get the urge to mix things up and do something new? As a bona fide change junkie, it happens to me all the time. One such incident not long ago was kinda far out, for me at least: I successfully completed a Concealed Weapons Permit (CWP) class.

I haven't shot a gun in thirty years. I am mostly against hunting unless it is wild hogs or snakes - otherwise I am too tenderhearted. But of course CWP has nothing much to do with hunting animals for sport or sustenance. It's about self defense.

I took the class because I live in a state where carrying a concealed weapon is an option. I feel like it's one of those things you do when you have the opportunity, as you never know when circumstances (or laws) may change and you wish you had done it when you had the chance. I honestly don't have plans to strap on when I go to the grocery store. But I also was dissatisfied with my growing trepidation regarding handguns. I wanted to force myself to be more proficient in using them so I wouldn't shoot myself in the foot if I had to use one.

I had a false start last year when the hubs and I went to the gun range together. As I said, it had been many years since I fired a gun. Hubs was very supportive. Maybe a little too. He was obviously very nervous about being at the indoor range with me, which of course made me nervous. He let me shoot the gun but didn't let me handle it otherwise. He did all the loading, racking, etc. I was a tolerable shot, considering. But about halfway through 50 rounds I was ready to quit - the pressure was terrible. I kept thinking about what a terrifying weapon it was, and how mishandling it could mean someone's life. I stuck it out, but privately I decided shooting was not for me.

Flash forward a few months and I decided to stop being such a ninny about the gun thing.  I signed up for the CWP class. The money was due up front, so I was committed (even though the class was eight hours on a Sunday during NFL playoffs - grrrrr). The hubs came with me to the range again a few days prior to prepare for the class. Since he had taken the class previously, he knew I would be expected to hit the target from a variety of distances 35 times out of 50. We basically reprised our earlier experience, with me shooting and the hubs doing everything else for me.

Turns out this was not the best strategy, as there are no spousal helpers allowed at the CWP class. My accuracy was more than good enough to pass the test. Shooting tip: we are all deadly from 3 yards. Little did I know, what was lacking was my knowledge of handling the gun in between firing it.

Tank holster from The Well Armed Woman

Class day arrives. I also arrive, very surly due to the uncalled-for 8am start time. The class was full with 16 participants. 6 were women - almost half! I shouldn't have been so surprised. Studies indicate the fastest growing group of gun owners, is young, urban, and female. Purses and bras are now available with compartments specially designed to conceal guns. And I was worried about shooting myself in the foot . . .

Anyway - two pairs of the 16 were couples. One young couple appeared to be putting a gift to good use - the wife/girlfriend carried her gun in a girly pink and black fabric case. Fast-forward fifty years to the other couple in the class, 60 in the rear view, sharing a revolver during their turns at the firing range.

The instructors, two retired policemen, gave an overview via the obligatory Power Point presentation. As they went over the expectations, I got a fierce case of flop sweats as I realized how much I was expected to know about guns, and how far I may fall short. Magazines, racking, safeties, chambers, clips, triggers, grips, barrels, rounds, on and on. The presentation was long on talking, short on hands-on; not exactly great for us visual learners. I had briefly handled an unfamiliar 20+-year-old Ruger 9mm exactly once 48 hours earlier, in dim lighting under somewhat stressful conditions. I was now expected to handle this gun again on my own and basically figure out on the fly from all this gun talk how to not shoot myself in the foot. The stakes were high.

I was not especially worried about failing the test. I was more concerned about becoming one of the stories the instructors collected and told at all future CWP sessions. Every negative anecdote they told our class involved inexperienced female students. Apparently no male knuckleheads had ever taken this class.

At about this point, I admit I considered ducking out of the class and concocting an elaborate fantasy for my husband about why my CWP somehow got 'lost in the mail'. Unfortunately, I had agreed to carpool with a neighbor and had no way to escape.

Have I ever mentioned how good luck seems to follow me? When my confidence was lowest, the class was released to retrieve our weapons from our vehicles and prepare for the range. I had a few precious moments to inspect the weapon and ask my carpooling neighbor what he thought about my concerns about using it. Under some wonderfully glaring fluorescent lighting, I worked my way through the trouble areas. Amazing how some hands-on time improves your perceptions of what appeared previously to be dire circumstances. It reminds me of the folktales involving speaking your worst fears aloud to lessen their power over you.

All too quickly, Go Time arrived. Volunteers for the first round of shooting were requested. I said, 'eff it' (to myself) and went for it. Might as well get it over with.

I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say I made it through the firing portion of the class and, better yet, avoided being the topic of future What Not To Do anecdotes. My biggest goof was mistaking spent cartridges for 'trash' and throwing them in the 'Trash Only' receptacle. Apparently these brass casings are considered 'money' and recycled by the gun range. Who knew?

The gun market is really catering to the female population

Ahh, sweet blessed relief as the instructor toted up my shooting score: 46 of 50. Woot! Then it was back to the classroom to get fingerprinted. Lord what a mess - fingerpainting gone wild. Thank goodness they had industrial-size pump containers of Gunk at the ready. The final portion of our instruction was all classroom, which was a comparative breeze to a nerd like me. Fifty multiple guess questions later and we are outta there in time to watch the second NFL playoff game.

I received my CWP in a timely manner. It's been collecting dust in my wallet ever since. Who knows if I will ever go to the grocery store 'carrying'. But at least if I do, I am not so worried about shooting myself in the foot.

this post first appeared in 2014

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Published on 2 Comments on NaNoWriMo: It’s In The Cards

Pardon me if this post seems wordier than usual. What can I say? It's NaNo season.

Here we are in November once again, and that means many writers you know are starting to look a little wild-eyed. November is National Novel Writing Month, aka NaNoWriMo. More than 300,000 writers have accepted a challenge to write 50,000 words in 30 days. It doesn't have to be pretty. It doesn't have to be finished. It just has to be 50,000 words closer to a finished product than you were in October. If you divide 50,000 words by 30 days, you'll find you need to write 1667 words a day. 

A while back I purchased a writing tool called Story Forge. It's a deck of cards you use in a myriad of ways to spur creativity, organize your writing, and generally have some fun. NaNo is the perfect time to try them out.

The cards are larger than your average playing card. They're more similar to a tarot card, very sturdy and well made. They come with a small instruction booklet. It took me just a few minutes to get the gist. There are several suggestions on how they can be used. Since I am at the beginning of a project, I chose to use them to guide me in creating an outline. They have a couple different layouts, or 'spreads', for a book-length project. I shuffled the cards as best I could (they're quite stiff), and laid them out as suggested. Then I keyed them in to my Scrivener outline, and voila! in less than an hour I had a very workable outline.

Story Forge borrows from the master of story structure, Joseph Campbell. I merged my layout with Campbell's 12 Stages of the Hero's Journey, then plugged them into the Scrivener outline feature. As a secondary project, I played around with color coding and labeling each stage of the journey based on whichever card had popped up in the layout. The end result was a 22 step outline, complete with brief descriptions on what was supposed to be happening in each step and why. Like my NaNo project, it's just a first draft. But a first draft of an outline for a complete novel in under an hour is pretty dang cool IMO.

You may be thinking this sounds a little too formulaic, but what book or movie isn't? In fact, the sociological research of Campbell and others indicates adhering to certain basic patterns contribute significantly to how much the reader/viewer enjoys the story. I figure, why mess with success? Rather than feel constrained, I feel comforted that Campbell is my guiding light so that I won't leave out any important components.

But back to the Story Forge cards: they can also be used for smaller projects. Here's an example of using them to flesh out a minor character. It requires only 7 cards. If you're doing NaNo, feel free to give it a spin and use this layout to crank out those 1667 words each day.

Character 'Quick Pick'

Here's the layout, or spread:

The 88 cards are grouped into six different categories. The instructions explain the meanings of the categories, suggest some spreads, and indicate what each card position in the spread represents. Here are the results for helping develop a minor character, completely at random after a few shuffles. Since the writing is a little small in the picture, I've spelled it out for you below. The card number indicates its position in the layout. Directly below is a description of the card that landed in that position as I dealt them out.

Card 1: The character's base nature

WAR. Negotiations break down. No equitable solutions can be agreed upon. Conflict escalates to violent combat.

Card 2: The influence of the universe

THE BUREAUCRAT. As someone who accepts or even embraces bureaucracy, this person could be a powerful foe or ally in the political or financial arenas.

Card 3: His/her 'Achilles heel'

A WEALTH card. While wealth cards can be taken literally to represent money or finance, they can also stand for nearly anything in the physical, material world, including issues of shelter, employment or security.

Card 4: The influence of family/friends

RELAPSE. Forces or patterns that were thought to be left behind rise anew, stronger than ever.

Card 5: The character's driving passion

CHAOS. Chaos prevails. Rationality and predictability give way to random or seemingly insane events.

Card 6. The character's destiny

Another WEALTH card.

Card 7. What stands between them and their destiny

HEALTH. The body is strong and free from disease. Can be a generally good constitution or a return to health after having been injured or sick. Notice this 7th card is laid across the 6th. Crossing cards represent a barrier or obstacle to the card they are crossing. So in this instance, there is something about the health status of the character that is preventing them from achieving that second Wealth goal.

Obviously these spreads aren't going to make sense 100% of the time. No one is suggesting you become enslaved to them and try to make their suggestions work against the grain. If you turn up a card that doesn't work, there are several options. I don't know if you can see it in the photo, but each card has two meanings, usually opposite. For example, the bottom half of the Health card is Illness. If a card turns up that doesn't fit your needs, turn it around and try it that way. If it's still not working, draw another card. If the whole spread is a mess, reshuffle and try again.

Story Forge is just another way to get the creative juices flowing. I thoroughly enjoyed using it and will continue to do so, even though part of me keeps envisioning a scene from Tin Cup. If you haven't seen the movie, Kevin Costner plays a down-at-the-heels golf pro. Feeling some pressure about an upcoming tournament, he turns to some unusual training tools to help get back on track. He looked silly using them, but underneath all the silly tools, he had some mad skills. I like to think we have that in common.

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7

Published on 7 Comments on A History Of (Computer) Violence

Recently I heard Viggo Mortensen interviewed on the Q radio program. They mentioned his movie A History of Violence a couple of times. Pretty good flick.

 *** SPOILER ALERT ***

I prefer this role. NERD.

It's the story of a man who seems perfectly ordinary (aside from his amazing hotness), but is concealing a deep, dark reservoir of potentially lethal violence. That theme was on my mind today as I sat down to catch up on some writing projects and otherwise ease the pressure that accompanies me every waking hour to get more stuff done. 'Twas not to be.

It began innocently yesterday when my usually reliable printer decided it was bored with being reliable. This only occurs when I am running late. I was tempted to punt its plastic carcass into the lake, but I didn't have time. So I went to Plan B for getting my thing printed and moved on.

Upon further inspection today, when I needed to print out something else, same problem. Tried the usual tricks (disconnect it from the laptop; turn it off and on; curse it into the wild blue yonder; punt it into the lake). Sought help via printer software on computer. Program would not open. Sought help online. Laptop would not connect with wifi hotspot. Sought help in Control Panel. Printers section of Control Panel would not load.

At this point I should mention the things I need to print are FedEx labels for something that has to be mailed TODAY.

Do you see where this is going?

I am trying to see the silver lining here. I have forced myself to take a break rather than go out into the shed and get my husband's sledge hammer. I will use the time productively to finish today's blog post and ponder on how even mild-mannered folk can be transformed into printer-bashing maniacs by seemingly inconsequential hiccups to the daily routine. Here's a brief list of handy tips to improve your temper-losing experience.

Shouting helps. It doesn't even have to be real words. ARRRGGGHHHH is a good one. Maybe check to see if anyone (small children; neighbors) or anything (pets) is in the area and may misinterpret your therapeutic shouting session. Recall how many folks carry guns these days. You don't want to get shot when you are screaming your head off at your printer because your neighbor thinks a 'roid raged meth head has broken into your house.

Cursing helps. It really, really does. Especially if you were raised not to curse. My go-to is GD but F-bombs appear to be the clear favorite. Again, be aware of your surroundings. Don't do like my brother did and drop an F-bomb when he singed his arm while lighting one of the candles at the Mother's Day dinner table.

Breaking stuff does not help. This is a fine line. I get a tremendous satisfaction from breaking stuff, followed by an overpowering sense of regret and shame. Plus, any innocent bystanders may be injured by flying debris. Plus plus, you have to clean up the mess. If you are going to break stuff, have some cheap junk stowed away in a Breakables box just for the purpose. When the need arises, don your safety glasses, take your Breakables out in the back yard and fling away.

There are way too many examples in real life of people reaching their breaking points with unfortunate consequences. Let's keep it light today and enjoy this supercut of famous movie meltdowns. Warning: lots of cursing, so NSFW. But extremely satisfying. Notice how many scenes involve utter destruction of technology. Yes, printer, I am talking to YOU.

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