9 Simple Rules For Showing Some Skin

It's summertime in the South again, and of course that means it's toasty outside. I am not complaining. In the immortal words of Xander Cage, I Live For This S***.

I grew up in Texas long before every enclosed space was air-conditioned. They say living in a warm climate thins the blood, somehow making us able to tolerate the heat more easily. I don't know if this is true. I hate to think we are that closely related to reptiles. I have been known to bask near a sunny window on a cold winter day, eyes closed, upturned face tracking that glorious orb's path across the sky to receive its comforting warmth, so maybe there is something to that.  But I digress.

As I was saying, I love hot weather like a vegan loves to talk about being vegan. After spending 8 years living in Minnesota, I truly cherish being comfortable in shorts and flip flops March through October. Where clothing is concerned, less is more down here. Even so, we can't get too carried away with that credo. No matter how hot it is, if you spend most of your walking time upright and your knuckles do not drag the ground, you have a responsibility to your fellow humans to a maintain at least an illusion of civility. Gentlemen, we do this by wearing a shirt. 

Now, I know different cultures have different expectations when it comes to attire. Even within our own culture, men and women have different commonly accepted guidelines. The women get the skirts; the men get the ties. Women: bras; men: jocks. Men often go 'skins' (shirtless) to exercise, swim, tan, etc.; women usually stay a little covered up top. Totally fine with that in theory. But in practice, when it devolves into potbellied, swaybacked middle-aged men demonstrating their ability to grow hair everywhere but on top of their head while I am trying to enjoy a meal, this whole shirtless thing has to stop (or at least slow the roll). So I have some handy guidelines here if you are unclear whether you should be strutting around in public without your shirt.

You should probably keep your shirt on if:

1. You are more than 10 pounds overweight.*

2. You are over age 30.*

3. You are not on an Olympic men's swimming, diving, or water polo team.

4. You were not selected as a backup dancer or stunt double in the film Magic Mike.

5. You are in a social situation in which crumbs, ketchup, mustard, or other food debris may easily find their way onto your chest/back hair.

6. You are in a social situation in which your chest/back hair may find its way onto neighboring plates/beverages.

7. You have been asked to volunteer at the local barber school so that students may practice their clipper techniques by carving designs into your chest/back hair.

8. Your armpit hair is long enough to be braided.

9. Nursing infants reach out for your pectoral area and make smacking noises . 

*Exceptions to these first two will be granted on a case-by-case basis if you have been named Sexiest Man Alive within the last 5 years. Close-up visual inspection may be required.

Just so we're clear: this is not like needing a majority to get a bill passed in Congress. If any ONE of these nine is violated, the shirt must stay on.

And for that minority of gents who do qualify to go skins (ref Xander Cage link above), I think I can speak for all of us who are filled with gratitude when we see 'shirtless' done properly. Thank you for setting a fine example. A mighty fine example.

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